O, No

So, I got out of work early on Friday, and I was lucky enough to catch part one of Oprah’s two-part interview with Tom Cruise. Okay, obviously, there were a whole lot of dynamics going on there that I cannot even begin to address, but man oh man, what a festival of self-congratulation it was. Even more so than Oprah’s average celebrity interview/circle jerk.

My absolute favorite part was at the end, where Tom drove Oprah on one of his snowmobiles to some picturesque spot overlooking the rest of his property, and they’re standing there with their arms around each other, looking at the mountains, and Oprah turns to Tom and says: “You know what I wish? I wish for you the peace that this mountain can bring.” Tom closes his eyes and nods. “I wish this for you. I really do," she repeats.

Um, he already has it. You’re at HIS HOUSE. That is HIS MOUNTAIN you're standin on. I think even the authors of The Secret would be like, Lady, that’s some pop-psych bullshit.

So reader: those pants? The ones that you’re wearing? I want those for you. And if you are not wearing pants? That freedom you feel? I want that for you. I am just. That. Generous.