Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Road to Recovery

It could easily be argued that there’s nothing left to say about Lindsay Lohan. But that argument is wrong. There will never be enough said about her, until something else shiny or borderline tragic passes before my eyes and I forget about her completely. But for now, as much as I try to fight it (or not), I am obsessed. And it scares me. So as of today, I am entering Lindsay Rehab. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to quit reading TMZ and watching VH1 clip shows entirely – that would be like asking an alcoholic to give up cigarettes and coffee – but it’s time to set some boundaries. Here are my twelve steps:

  1. Admit that I am powerless over Lindsay. And Sweet Jesus, I am.
  2. Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. I think it may be Victoria Beckham.
  3. Turn my life over to the care of Posh, purchase steel-enforced corset.
  4. Make a searching, fearless moral inventory: Delete mp3 of LiLo’s 2004 “hit” “Rumors” from my hard drive, purge closet of leggings.
  5. Admit the exact nature of my wrongs: subjecting friends and loved ones to extended monologues, wherein I dissected the various missteps of Lindsay’s career, declared my desire for her to Get Out of My Face, then talked about that crazy interview with her in Elle magazine last year for another twenty minutes
  6. Allow God/Posh remove these defects of my character. Also: 15 pounds.
  7. Humbly ask God/Posh to forgive my shortcomings…until I can get to Mystic Tan, anyway.
  8. Make a list of all the people I’ve harmed with my addiction. First and foremost: my own hair. I never should have grown you out to look like LiLo in Bobby. I never even saw that movie.
  9. Make amends. Um, am I crazy, or does Lindsay owe me an apology? A text message would be adequite (did I use that right?).
  10. Continue w/ personal inventory. Really delete “Rumors” from hard drive, not just from iTunes.
  11. Improve conscious contact with God/Posh. Reread The Extra Half Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between, pout.
  12. Carry this message to others: If you see Lindsay, tell her I’m still waiting for my apology.