Hi, My Name Is ______

One of the best parts of my job is having sole possession of a label maker. Not the kind with the plastic wheel and the lever in the handle, but a little ticker-tape device that looks like a first-generation Blackberry. This morning I took it upon myself to label the office supplies: staples, staple removers, tacks—careful! I’ve never identified, nor have I been identified, as a neat freak, but there’s something incredibly soothing about labeling. It removes all the guesswork, saves a lot of time, and keeps you from plunging your hand into a drawer full of tacks.

I guess it’s the same part of me that really, really enjoys the little aliases they give reality show participants when they’re doing their interviews, like “Candace: Pageant Queen” or “Nate: Lead Singer of a Star Wars Tribute Band” or “Ted: Has Webbed Toes.” It saves me from having to think too much, which is all I really want from a show like “Beauty and the Geek 3,” and life in general, actually.

Maybe some day I’ll take the label maker home with me, and start labeling everything as I go. If all goes well, there will be labels in the hair care aisle at every Duane Reade in New York: “That Shampoo You Liked at That Hotel in Baltimore” and on the guest of every party I attend: “Works at InStyle magazine - Do Not Make Fun of Scientology.” With any luck, I’d never have to think again.