Kat Bakes

A Shout-Out to ME

2010-02-23T12:11:00.002-05:00

Remnants of my tuna salad at Martha's Leelanau Table.

Last month my dear friend Sarah posted a tuna and white bean salad recipe I invented that was inspired by a lunch I had at Martha's Leelanau Table in Sutton's Bay, Michigan. It's probably the only time I have successfully recreated a dish, ever, so I'm posting it, even though it's not a baked anything. So suck it, haters!

Thick and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

2010-02-06T11:19:00.048-05:00

Espresso cup and saucer by Urban Soule.

The heart wants what it wants, and my heart wants chocolate chip cookies. Every. Day. I have to admit that as much as I love to bake, and as much I love trying new things, I keep coming back to chocolate chip cookies.

Both of my parents worked full time, so I'm one of the rare food bloggers who doesn't have a lot of homey memories of hours spent in the kitchen at my mother's side. In fact, when my mom was growing up, she lived next door to her grandparents and her grandmother did most of the cooking for everyone, so neither my grandmother nor my mother ever really learned anything, as far as I can tell. And yes, I am aware that I just, to use the reality show parlance of our times, threw my own mother under the bus.

But! The one really warm and cozy family cooking memory I do have involves - of course - chocolate chip cookies. Every now and then, my mom got the urge to bake -- I don't know why, maybe she felt guilty about putting me in that awful institutional daycare center where I ate nothing but dry cornbread every day. BUT I'M TOTALLY OVER THAT NOW. Ahem. So anyway, before she put the cookies in the oven to bake, my dad would insist that he and I "test" the batter to make sure that it was okay. Then we would each eat the equivalent of 5-10 cookies in raw dough. Miraculously, none of us ever once got salmonella poisoning.

So that's my best guess as to why I love chocolate chip cookies so much, and they're still my barometer for bakery or cookbook. Last Christmas my mother-in-law gave me the behemoth Baking Illustrated, and I hadn't touched it until just recently, when I was craving a new Choco-Chip recipe. I was looking for something more like those big, buttery cookies you get at the bakery, you know, the kind they hand you in a piece of wax paper, and you're like, Oh, I'm not going to finish this, and then...yeah. That's what these are.

Thick and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies
From Baking Illustrated. Makes about 18 large (and I mean Mrs. Fields-esque large) or 30 medium-sized cookies.

2 cups plus 2 tbsp. unbleached all-purpose flour

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. salt

12 tbsp. (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted and cooled until warm

1 cup packed light or brown sugar

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 large egg plus 1 egg yolk

2 tsp. vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

1. Adjust the oven racks to the upper- and lower-middle positions and preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Line 2 large baking sheets with parchment paper or spray them with nonstick cooking spray.
2. Whisk the flour, baking soda, and salt together in a medium bowl and set aside.
3. By hand or electric mixer, beat the butter and sugars until thoroughly blended. Beat in the egg, yolk, and vanilla until combined. Add the dry ingredients in thirds and beat at low speed until just combined. Stir in the chips to taste.
4. For big, bakery-style cookies: drop by 1/4 cup dollops onto the baking sheet, spacing them 2 1/2 inches apart. (Baking Illustrated notes that leaving a jagged surface on top of the dollops leads to a more aesthetically pleasing cookie, but I couldn't really tell the difference.) For medium-sized cookies: drop by 2 tablespoon dollops onto the baking sheet, spacing them 2 inches apart.
5. Bake until cookies are light golden brown, 15 to 18 minutes, rotating the baking sheets halfway through the baking time. The outer edges should start to harden while the centers remain soft and puffy. Cool the cookies on the sheets. Remove cooled cookies from the baking sheets with a wide spatula.

Potica, or Slovenian Nut Roll (Heh. Nut roll.)

2010-01-17T16:43:00.098-05:00

There are a lot of things I enjoy about the holidays: the stop-motion animation TV specials, the tacit acceptability of binge drinking, and of course, the food. The piles and piles of food. And dudes, I start training right at Thanksgiving and I do not stop until New Years', by which my stomach is stretched enough to accommodate a Pontiac Aztec, if I could just unhinge my jaw.

Last Christmas, my brother-in-law's fiancee introduced the concept of the "cookie annex", a separate compartment in one's stomach that develops during the holidays and allows one to continue to force down more sweets even after a huge turkey dinner with extra mashed potatoes. This concept really resonated with me, except that my cookie annex doesn't shrivel back up in January, partly because we're still working our way through the holiday baking I did in December. Our bare, dried-out tree is out with the trash but we still have a freezer full of buttery merriment that should keep until Valentine's Day.

I'm referring, of course, to Potica, a Slovenian pastry consisting of a sweet yeast dough and nut paste rolled up into a log and baked. Mr. Kat's family has been making it for the holidays as long as anyone can remember, but the recipe is so generous that you'll have enough to stick in the freezer and warm up throughout the winter. It's great as a dessert or for breakfast, and is exponentially improved by a few minutes in a toaster oven.

POTICA

Pronounced "po-TEET-za". From the Cleveland Plain Dealer, adapted by A. Mavko and K. Carlson

DOUGH – makes 4 loaves

1 pound cold butter
3 cups white flour
1 cup whole wheat pastry flour
2 tbs plus ¼ tsp granulated sugar
1 tsp salt
2 packages dry yeast (not fast rising)
1 cup milk
6 egg yolks, slightly beaten

In a large bowl, toss butter cut into 1 tablespoon pieces with flour and 2 tbls sugar. Using your fingers, push the dry ingredients into the butter until the mixture looks like cornmeal. Heat milk to 100 – 110 degrees and add 1/4 tsp sugar & yeast and stir until dissolved. Once mostly dissolved, let the yeast proof (form bubbles and get foamy). Add salt, proofed yeast and egg yolks to flour/butter mixture. Mix with a spatula until just blended. Gather up into a ball or large brick, pat all over with flour, wrap in wax paper and chill overnight. Dough will expand so use 2 generous sheets of waxed paper and wrap loosely.

FILLING (make before rolling out the dough)

6 egg whites
1 3/4 cup granulated sugar
3 cups finely ground walnuts

Beat whites till foamy, add sugar gradually and stir in the ground nuts. Set aside.

ASSEMBLY

Preheat the oven to 325°F.

Butter 4 metal loaf pans, 4.5 x 8.5 inches each. Generously flour surface where dough will be rolled, using 1/2 to 1 cup of flour for both rollings. Divide dough in half. Keep one half chilled and roll out the other as thinly as possible into a large rectangle. The shorter edge of the rolled dough should correspond to the length of two loaf pans, approximately 18 inches. The long edge will be 24 inches or more.

Divide filling in half and spread in a thin layer over the dough. If filling does not easily spread, thin it with a little milk. Work quickly. Using a spatula, roll the dough starting at the shorter end of the rectangle. You will end with a large log - cut the log in half and trim the ends so that each smaller log will fit snugly in its pan. Set trimmed ends aside.

Place reserved trimmed ends in a shallow baking pan or small cookie sheet and smear top with some leftover filling. Let rise about 30 minutes, then bake for 25 minutes.

Place each log seam side down in a greased loaf pan. Repeat process with other half of dough and filling. Let the logs rise till doubled in bulk – approximately 45 minutes. Bake at 325°F for 45 minutes till golden. Cool 15 minutes before removing from pan and placing on a rack to cool completely. Wrap tightly in foil and store in freezer for up to 3 months.

October Daring Bakers' Challenge: Maca-wrong Number.

2009-10-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

These Macarons are neither lime green, lime green, nor tangerine.

I had the best laid plans this side of America, but no dice. In spite of multiple attempts, I could not seem to produce French macarons that even remotely resembled those of Laduree or Pierre Herme. Or David Leibowitz. Or Tartlette.

But before I get ahead of myself, let's get official business out of the way: the 2009 October Daring Bakers’ challenge was brought to us by Ami S. She chose macarons from Claudia Fleming’s The Last Course: The Desserts of Gramercy Tavern as the challenge recipe.

French macarons look deceptively simple to make. There are only four essential ingredients, and they don't require precise timing like candies. The hardest part is making the meringue, but I'm confident with a mixer so no probs, right? Except the thing is, a French macaron is not just a cookie like any other, it's a pastry. See, that takes it to a new level, right? It's not enough just to sling' em in the oven and wait for them to brown like a batch of snickerdoodles, they have to rise. And grow FEET.

Not made by me, obviously.

Check out the photo above. See those rough ridges next to the filling? Those are the feet. On the ideal macaron, those feet should have a nice ruffle and not protrude from the shell. The dome should be rounded, smooth and shiny, but give easily to the tooth. Now scroll back up and look at mine. Pitiful. About as domed as a Ritz cracker and worst of all, no feet. Not even a toe. Not even a toeNAIL.

Lest you accuse me of giving up too quickly, I made TWO batches, people. I tried letting the piped batter rest for two hours before putting them in the oven, I tried "drying" them at a low temperature before baking at full heat, and I tried just putting them straight in after piping. I tried 375°F for 7 minutes, and 250°F for 25 minutes. They all came out exactly the same.

I've included the challenge recipe below in case you're interested in trying for yourselves. If you want to go full nerd, I highly recommend this excellent collection of links and tips.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to my room and write bad poetry and sew Sisters of Mercy patches onto my backpack.

Toasted Sesame Seed Macarons

2 1/4 cups confectioner's sugar
2 cups almond flour*
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
5 egg whites (Have at room temperature)
2 tablespoons white sesame seeds

*If you can't find almond flour you can make your own: grind 2 cups of almonds along with a cup of the confectioner's sugar. Run food processor for at least 60 seconds, or longer than you think you need. They need to be extremely fine—powdery, in fact, like flour. It works best with blanched or skinned almonds, or you could toas your nuts ahead of time and rub off the skins with a dish towel.

Yield: I got about two dozen filled macaroons.

1. Preheat the oven to 200°F. Combine the confectioners’ sugar and almond flour in a medium bowl. If grinding your own nuts, combine nuts and a cup of confectioners’ sugar in the bowl of a food processor and grind until nuts are very fine and powdery.

2. Toast and grind the sesame seeds. Place the seeds in a dry pan over medium heat, periodically shaking the pan to turn, until golden and fragrant, about 5 minutes. Do not leave them unattended! Transfer the seeds to a clean spice mill or coffee grinder and grind for a few seconds, until fine. Add to the almond flour mixture.

3. Beat the egg whites in the clean dry bowl of a stand mixer until they hold soft peaks. Slowly add the granulated sugar and beat until the mixture holds stiff peaks.

4. Sift a third of the almond flour mixture into the meringue and fold gently to combine. Sift in the remaining almond flour in two batches. Be gentle! Don’t overfold, but fully incorporate your ingredients.

5. Spoon the mixture into a pastry bag fitted with a plain half-inch tip (Ateco #806). You can also use a Ziploc bag with a corner cut off. It’s easiest to fill your bag if you stand it up in a tall glass and fold the top down before spooning in the batter.

6. Pipe one-inch-sized (2.5 cm) mounds of batter onto baking sheets lined with nonstick liners (or parchment paper).

7. Bake the macarons for 5 minutes. Remove the pan from the oven and raise the temperature to 375°F (190°C). Once the oven is up to temperature, put the pans back in the oven and bake for an additional 7 to 8 minutes, or lightly colored.

8. Cool on a rack before filling.

Toasted Sesame Seed Italian Buttercream
(From A La Cuisine!, adapted from The American Boulangerie by Pascal Rigo)

2 egg whites
1/3 cup plus 1 tbsp granulated sugar
4 oz (½ cup) unsalted butter at room temperature, cut into slices
2 tablespoons toasted sesame seeds, ground (see method above in macaroon recipe)

1. In an electric mixer bowl, whisk together the egg whites and sugar. Set the bowl over a pot of simmering water and heat the mixture, whisking often, for 3 to 5 minutes, or until it feels warm and sugar has dissolved.

2. Transfer the bowl to the electric mixer and whip warm egg mixture on high speed using the whisk attachment until stiff and shiny, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the butter, one slice at a time, and continue to mix until all the butter is thoroughly incorporated. Blend in sesame powder and refrigerate for 1 hour or until it becomes firm. The buttercream can be kept, covered and refrigerated for up to 1 week.

3. To fill the macarons: Fill a pastry bag with the filling. Turn macaroons so their flat bottoms face up. On half of them, pipe about 1 teaspoon filling. Sandwich these with the remaining macarons, flat-side down, pressing slightly to spread the filling to the edges. Sprinkle with extra sesame seeds for garnish. Refrigerate until firm, about 1 hour.

September Daring Bakers' Challenge: Vols-au-Vent!

2009-09-27T00:00:00.199-04:00

A what-au-what? I'll say it again: vols-au-vent. In French it literally translates to "flight with the wind," which I assume is a reference to the light, flaky layers of dough that characterize these pastry shells, but Francophobes and the pretension-averse might prefer something a little more descriptive, like "flaky dough cups." Whatever you want to call them, they were this month's Daring Baker Challenge, and I was powerless to resist.

The September 2009 Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Steph of A Whisk and a Spoon. She chose the French treat, Vols-au-Vent based on the Puff Pastry recipe by Michel Richard from the cookbook Baking With Julia by Dorie Greenspan. While contemplating fillings for this challenge I consulted my brand-new, newlywed-issue copy of The Art of French Cooking and found a couple of savory recipes, one requiring a whole roast chicken and the other requiring sweetbreads. And for half a second, I swear to god, I actually considered it. Then I remembered my student loans, closed the book, and went to ponder other options over a dinner of stale bread and Goya black beans from a dented can.

(more)

Luckily, Mr. Kat is full of brilliant ideas, including but not exclusive to marrying me, and he suggested that I ask his mother for her cream puff filling recipe, which has been a family favorite for as long as anyone can remember.

"Who's my creampuff?"

I should stop here and say that Mr. Kat's mom is a woman with high culinary standards. She and Mr. Kat's dad cook all their meals from scratch, using local and organic ingredients. They grow their own fresh herbs. They read Michael Pollan. One of their sons grew up to be an environmental scientist. So you can imagine she wasn't entirely thrilled to reveal that the secret ingredient in her famous cream puffs? The ones her three boys grew up on and begged for with every birthday? It's instant pudding. Full of chemicals and fake as fake food gets, but damned if it doesn't work just perfectly.

So was it worth it? Was it worth me getting kicked out of the family to share this secret recipe with you? Give it a try and let me know.

Vols-au-Vent With Easy Vanilla Cream
Yield: 1/3 of the puff pastry recipe below will yield about 8-10 1.5” vols-au-vent or 4 4” vols-au-vent

For the puff pastry:

2 1/2 cups (354 g) unbleached all-purpose flour, plus extra for the work surface
1 1/4 cups (142 g) cake flour
1/2 tbsp. salt
1 1/4 cups ice water
1 pound (454 g) very cold unsalted butter
1 egg, beaten, for the glaze

For the cream:

One package instant vanilla pudding (3.5 to 3.75 oz. size)
One cup heavy cream
1 1/4 cup milk
1/2 tsp. almond extract
Miniature chocolate chips, ground cinnamon or other decoration

PREPARING PUFF PASTRY

1. Check the capacity of your food processor before you start. If it cannot hold the full quantity of ingredients, make the dough into two batches and combine them.

Put the all-purpose flour, cake flour, and salt in the work bowl of a food processor fitted with a metal blade and pulse a couple of times just to mix. Add the water all at once, pulsing until the dough forms a ball on the blade. The dough will be very moist and pliable and will hold together when squeezed between your fingers. (Actually, it will feel like Play-Doh.)

2. Remove the dough from the machine, form it into a ball, with a small sharp knife, slash the top in a tic-tac-toe pattern. Wrap the dough in a damp towel and refrigerate for about 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, place the butter between 2 sheets of plastic wrap and beat it with a rolling pin until it flattens into a square that's about 1" thick. Take care that the butter remains cool and firm: if it has softened or become oily, chill it before continuing.

3. Unwrap the dough and place it on a work surface dusted with all-purpose flour (A cool piece of marble is the ideal surface for puff pastry) with your rolling pin (preferably a French rolling pin without handles), press on the dough to flatten it and then roll it into a 10" square. Keep the top and bottom of the dough well floured to prevent sticking and lift the dough and move it around frequently. Starting from the center of the square, roll out over each corner to create a thick center pad with "ears," or flaps.

4. Place the cold butter in the middle of the dough and fold the ears over the butter, stretching them as needed so that they overlap slightly and encase the butter completely. (If you have to stretch the dough, stretch it from all over; don't just pull the ends) you should now have a package that is 8" square.

A NOTE ON TEMPERATURE: To make great puff pastry, it is important to keep the dough cold at all times. There are specified times for chilling the dough, but if your room is warm, or you work slowly, or you find that for no particular reason the butter starts to ooze out of the pastry, cover the dough with plastic wrap and refrigerate it . You can stop at any point in the process and continue at your convenience or when the dough is properly chilled.

5. Gently but firmly press the rolling pin against the top and bottom edges of the square (this will help keep it square). Then, keeping the work surface and the top of the dough well floured to prevent sticking, roll the dough into a rectangle that is three times as long as the square you started with, about 24" (don't worry about the width of the rectangle: if you get the 24", everything else will work itself out.) With this first roll, it is particularly important that the butter be rolled evenly along the length and width of the rectangle; check when you start rolling that the butter is moving along well, and roll a bit harder or more evenly, if necessary, to get a smooth, even dough-butter sandwich (use your arm-strength!).

With a pastry brush, brush off the excess flour from the top of the dough, and fold the rectangle up from the bottom and down from the top in thirds, like a business letter, brushing off the excess flour. You have completed one turn.

6. Rotate the dough so that the closed fold is to your left, like the spine of a book. Repeat the rolling and folding process, rolling the dough to a length of 24" and then folding it in thirds. This is the second turn.

If the dough is still cool and no butter is oozing out, you can give the dough another two turns now. If the condition of the dough is iffy, wrap it in plastic wrap and refrigerate it for at least 30 minutes. Each time you refrigerate the dough, mark the number of turns you've completed by indenting the dough with your fingertips. It is best to refrigerate the dough for 30 to 60 minutes between each set of two turns.

The total number of turns needed is six. If you prefer, you can give the dough just four turns now, chill it overnight, and do the last two turns the next day. Puff pastry is extremely flexible in this regard. However, no matter how you arrange your schedule, you should plan to chill the dough for at least an hour before cutting or shaping it.

FORMING AND BAKING THE VOLS-AU-VENT

1. Line a baking sheet with parchment and set aside.

Using a knife or metal bench scraper, divided your chilled puff pastry dough into three equal pieces. Work with one piece of the dough, and leave the rest wrapped and chilled. (If you are looking to make more vols-au-vent than the yield stated above, you can roll and cut the remaining two pieces of dough as well…if not, then leave refrigerated for the time being or prepare it for longer-term freezer storage.

2. On a lightly floured surface, roll the piece of dough into a rectangle about 1/8 to 1/4-inch (3-6 mm) thick. Transfer it to the baking sheet and refrigerate for about 10 minutes before proceeding with the cutting. (This assumes you will be using round cutters, but if you do not have them, it is possible to cut square vols-au-vents using a sharp chef’s knife.) For smaller, hors d'oeuvre sized vols-au-vent, use a 1.5” round cutter to cut out 8-10 circles. For larger sized vols-au-vent, fit for a main course or dessert, use a 4” cutter to cut out about 4 circles. Make clean, sharp cuts and try not to twist your cutters back and forth or drag your knife through the dough. Half of these rounds will be for the bases, and the other half will be for the sides.

A NOTE ON SCRAPS: Save any scrap by stacking—not wadding up—the pieces…they can be re-rolled and used if you need extra dough. If you do need to re-roll scrap to get enough disks, be sure to use any rounds cut from it for the bases, not the ring-shaped sides.

Using a ¾-inch cutter for small vols-au-vent, or a 2- to 2.5-inch round cutter for large, cut centers from half of the rounds to make rings. These rings will become the sides of the vols-au-vent, while the solid disks will be the bottoms. You can either save the center cut-outs to bake off as little “caps” for you vols-au-vent, or put them in the scrap pile.

3. Dock the solid bottom rounds with a fork, making sure not to go all the way through the pastry, and lightly brush them with egg wash. Place the rings directly on top of the bottom rounds and very lightly press them to adhere. Brush the top rings lightly with egg wash, trying not to drip any down the sides, as this may inhibit rise. If you are using the little “caps,” dock and egg wash them as well.

Refrigerate the assembled vols-au-vent on the lined baking sheet while you pre-heat the oven to 400ºF (200ºC). (You could also cover and refrigerate them for a few hours at this point.)

4. Once the oven is heated, remove the sheet from the refrigerator and place a silicone baking mat (preferred because of its weight) or another sheet of parchment over top of the shells. This will help them rise evenly. Bake the shells until they have risen and begin to brown, about 10-15 minutes depending on their size. Reduce the oven temperature to 350ºF (180ºC), and remove the silicone mat or parchment sheet. If the centers have risen up inside the vols-au-vent, you can gently press them down. Continue baking with no sheet on top until the layers are golden, about 15-20 minutes more. If you are baking the center “caps” they will likely be finished well ahead of the shells, so keep an eye on them and remove them from the oven when browned.

Remove to a rack to cool to room temperature.

PREPARING THE VANILLA CREAM

1. Prepare pudding as box label directs using only 1 1/4 cups milk.

2. Whip cream until almost stiff. Fold into pudding mixture along with the almond extract.

3. Spoon into puff pastry cups and top with mini chocolate chips, ground cinnamon, or just leave 'em as is.

Serve immediately or refrigerate up to 24 hours.

Carrot Macaroni and Cheese - It's Baked! It Still Totally Counts, You Guys

2009-09-06T12:53:00.090-04:00

If you've ever been to a Costco or any other kind of bulk food store, you've no doubt encountered the giant pallets of Kraft macaroni and cheese. And if you're like me (i.e., awesome) you know exactly how difficult it is not to grab 45 boxes and head straight to the Kirkland Signature wine aisle. Because in spite of all of my efforts to eat healthfully and incorporate more whole grains into my diet, unholy orange is still one of my all-time favorite flavors. My dude and I left the store without the mac not because we're virtuous, but because we are not ready to admit that we are capable of eating that much Kraft cheese, even though who are we kidding, really. Next weekend we'll totally be running down to the deli for our next fix. We're kind of like smokers who insist on buying our cigarettes one pack at a time rather than by the carton at the airport. Sure, it's more expensive, but we like to cling onto the possibility that this one really is our last box.

I'm not going to argue that this recipe is an analog to the little blue box. It is admittedly more time-consuming, and it contains actual ingredients found in nature -- wait! Don't close the tab! What I was going to say is that while this recipe produces a different kind of macaroni and cheese, I've found that it satisfies my cravings without the guilt and chemical aftertaste that tends to follow an E-Z Mac binge. I was as skeptical as anyone about the carrot puree, but it seems to function here almost like a roux, giving the cheese sauce a velvety texture. And as an added bonus, carrots are, you know, really good for you.

I found the original recipe a bit scanty on cheese so I upped it just a bit, but it still retains its healthy properties with a minimal increase in fat.

Carrot Macaroni and Cheese
Adapted from Food and Wine, April 2009
Serves 4

ADVANCE PREP: Making the carrot puree is the most time-consuming part of this recipe, so on several occasions I've made it in advance and stored it in the fridge overnight, with no ill effects.

3/4 pound carrots, peeled and thinly sliced
Zest and juice of 1 navel orange, zest removed in strips with a vegetable peeler
Salt
3 cups penne rigate (9 ounces)
4 ounces sharp cheddar cheese, shredded (1 1/2 cups)
1 tablespoon chopped tarragon
Freshly ground white pepper

1. Preheat the oven to 350°. In a medium saucepan, combine the carrots with the zest and juice and 1/4 cup of water. Season with salt and bring to a boil. Cover and simmer over moderate heat until the carrots are very soft, about 30 minutes. Discard the zest. (Kat sez: This is very important! The first time I made this I left the zest behind and the results were...orangey.) Transfer the carrots and any liquid to a blender and puree until very smooth.

2. Meanwhile, in a large saucepan of boiling salted water, cook the pasta until al dente. Drain the pasta, reserving 1 cup of the cooking water.

3. Return the pasta to the pot. Add the reserved water and the carrot puree and cook over moderate heat, stirring frequently, until the pasta is coated with a thickened sauce, about 5 minutes. Stir in three-fourths of the cheese and cook, stirring, until very creamy, 2 to 3 minutes longer. Stir in the tarragon and season with salt and white pepper.

4. Transfer the pasta to a medium baking dish and top with the remaining cheese. Bake until the cheese is melted and lightly browned, about 20 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes before serving.

Pretzel Bread

2009-08-31T11:30:00.002-04:00

There are few things I love in this world more than a good sandwich. Except maybe cereal. Honestly, if you broke down my diet, it would be 80% sandwiches and cereal. The other 20% would be Spanish wine with an $8 price point. Anyway, when we were planning our honeymoon to Michigan's Leelanau Peninsula, I read about this joint called the Village Cheese Shanty, located in a historic fishing village in the town of Leland. The menu looked tasty and affordable, and I try to patronize shanties whenever possible, so we decided to hit it our first day in town.

My chicken and brie on a baguette was excellent and easily big enough for two, but when I took a bit of My Dude's turkey club on pretzel bread, I knew that I had chosen...poorly. First of all, bacon on anything is kind of a gimme, but the bread. The bread! Soft and sweet inside with a thin, faintly bitter crust speckled with salt crystals. Imagine all these flavors combining with cool, creamy mayo and the watery crunch of cucumber -- it just really ties the fuckin' sandwich together, you know?

We looked around at the local bakeries, hoping to bring a couple loves of our new favorite bread with us, but we came up empty. That left me no choice but to scour the interwebs for a recipe and attempt to recreate these warlocks for myself. The closest thing I found was a recipe for something called "bretzels" on the always-lovely Smitten Kitchen. These were more the size of dinner rolls, but it's the same basic concept -- a slightly sweet dough boiled in a sugar-soda bath, then baked. I made my rolls twice as large and they turned out about the size of bagels, just perfect for sandwiches. Cheese Shanty, you just got owned.

Pretzel Rolls
Adapted from Bon Appetit, January 1994, via Smitten Kitchen. Makes 4 sandwich rolls.

2 3/4 cups bread flour or unbleached all-purpose
1 envelope active-dry yeast
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar plus 2 tablespoons, divided
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons (about) hot water (125°F to 130°F)
Cornmeal
8 cups water
1/4 cup baking soda
1 egg white, beaten to blend (glaze)
Coarse salt

1. Combine bread flour, one envelope yeast, one teaspoon salt and one teaspoon sugar in food processor and blend. With machine running, gradually pour hot water through feed tube, adding enough water to form smooth elastic dough. Process one minute to knead. Grease medium bowl. Add dough to bowl, turning to coat. Cover bowl with plastic wrap, then towel; let dough rise in warm draft-free area until doubled in volume, about 1 hour.

2. Flour baking sheet, or clear area of counter. Punch dough down and knead on lightly floured surface until smooth. Divide into 4 pieces. Form each dough piece into ball. Place dough balls on prepared surface, flattening each slightly. Using serrated knife, cut X in top center of each dough ball. Cover with towel and let dough balls rise until almost doubled in volume, about 20 minutes.

3. Preheat oven to 375°F. Line another baking sheet with parchment and sprinkle with cornmeal. Bring 8 cups water to boil in large saucepan. Add baking soda and 2 tablespoons sugar (water will foam up). Add rolls one or two at a time and cook 30 seconds per side. Using slotted spoon, transfer rolls to prepared sheet, arranging X side up. Repeat with remaining rolls.

4. Brush rolls with egg white glaze. Sprinkle rolls generously with coarse salt. Bake rolls until brown, about 25 minutes. Transfer to racks and cool 10 minutes. Serve rolls warm or room temperature.

August Daring Bakers' Challenge: Dobos Torte!

2009-08-27T00:00:00.211-04:00

If you ever wanted a good reason to join the Daring Bakers, look no further than the confection above. This is exactly why I signed up: to push my comfort level beyond cookies and cupcakes and into the realm of show-stopping centerpieces. And honestly? It isn't as hard as it looks. While the steps are numerous, this torte requires no esoteric flours or expensive equipment, just a little patience and Hungarian fluency. I kid! You can get by with 8th grade Hungarian.

The August 2009 Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Angela of A Spoonful of Sugar and Lorraine of Not Quite Nigella. They chose the spectacular Dobos Torte based on a recipe from Rick Rodgers' cookbook Kaffeehaus: Exquisite Desserts from the Classic Cafés of Vienna, Budapest, and Prague. It's a Hungarian invention consisting of five sponge cake layers with a dark chocolate buttercream, topped with caramel-coated cake fans. According to Le Wiki, there are over a hundred variations out there, so if you like this torte you could easily stay busy for the next several years trying them all.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Eminent Hungarian

I've left in the metric amounts because lately I've been pulling out the kitchen scale and measuring out my dry ingredients by weight whenever possible. As you may know I'm a stickler for accuracy and I get much more consistent results this way.

Dobos Torte

SPONGE CAKE LAYERS

6 large eggs, separated, at room temperature
1 1/3 cups (162g) powdered sugar, divided
1 teaspoon (5ml) vanilla extract
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons (112g) sifted cake flour (OR 95g plain flour + 17g cornstarch sifted together)
pinch of salt

CHOCOLATE BUTTERCREAM

4 large eggs, at room temperature
1 cup (200g) superfine white sugar (you can make your own by grinding regular granulated sugar in a food processor)
4oz (110g) bakers chocolate or your favorite dark chocolate, finely chopped
2 sticks plus 2 tablespoons (250g) unsalted butter, at room temperature

CARAMEL TOPPING

1 cup (200g) sugar
12 tablespoons (180 ml) water
8 teaspoons (40 ml) lemon juice
1 tablespoon neutral oil (e.g. grapeseed, rice bran, sunflower)

FINISHING TOUCHES

12 whole hazelnuts, peeled and toasted
½ cup (50g) peeled and finely chopped hazelnuts

EQUIPMENT: The only special equipment required is an 8" cardboard circle. You can buy special cake rounds at baking supply shops, but I made my own by cutting up a cardboard box. You'll use it first as a template for cutting the sponge layers, then as a base for your torte.

DIRECTIONS FOR THE SPONGE LAYERS

The sponge layers can be prepared in advance and stored interleaved with parchment and well-wrapped in the fridge overnight.

1. Position the racks in the top and center thirds of the oven and heat to 400F.

2. Cut six pieces of parchment paper to fit the baking sheets. Using a compass, pan lid, or any other 9" circular template, trace a circle on each of the papers, and turn them over (the circle should be visible from the other side, so that the graphite or ink doesn't touch the cake batter.)

3. Beat the egg yolks, 2/3 cup (81g) of the powdered sugar, and the vanilla in a medium bowl with a mixer on high speed until the mixture is thick, pale yellow and forms a thick ribbon when the beaters are lifted a few inches above the batter, about 3 minutes. (You can do this step by hand with a whisk if you don't have a mixer.)

4. In another bowl, using clean beaters, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form. Gradually beat in the remaining 2/3 cup (81g) of confectioner's (icing)sugar until the whites form stiff, shiny peaks. Using a large rubber spatula, stir about 1/4 of the beaten whites into the egg yolk mixture, then fold in the remainder, leaving a few wisps of white visible. Combine the flour and salt. Sift half the flour over the eggs, and fold in; repeat with the remaining flour.

5. Line one of the baking sheets with a circle-marked paper. Using a small offset spatula, spread about 3/4 cup of the batter in an even layer, filling in the traced circle on one baking sheet. Bake on the top rack for 5 minutes, until the cake springs back when pressed gently in the center and the edges are lightly browned. While this cake bakes, repeat the process on the other baking sheet, placing it on the center rack. When the first cake is done, move the second cake to the top rack. Invert the first cake onto a flat surface and carefully peel off the paper. Slide the cake layer back onto the paper and let stand until cool. Rinse the baking sheet under cold running water to cool, and dry it before lining with another parchment. Continue with the remaining papers and batter to make a total of six layers. Completely cool the layers. Using your 8" cardboard round as a template, trim each cake layer into a neat circle. (A small serrated knife is best for this task.)

FOR THE CHOCOLATE BUTTERCREAM

This can be prepared in advance and kept chilled until required.

1. Prepare a double-boiler: quarter-fill a large saucepan with water and bring it to a boil.

2. Meanwhile, whisk the eggs with the sugar until pale and thickened, about five minutes. You can use a whisk or electric hand mixer for this.

3. Fit bowl over the boiling water in the saucepan (water should not touch bowl) and lower the heat to a brisk simmer. Cook the egg mixture, whisking constantly, for 2-3 minutes until you see it starting to thicken a bit. Whisk in the finely chopped chocolate and cook, stirring, for a further 2-3 minutes.

4. Scrape the chocolate mixture into a medium bowl and leave to cool to room temperature. It should be quite thick and sticky in consistency.

5. When cool, beat in the soft butter, a small piece (about 2 tablespoons/30g) at a time. An electric hand mixer is great here, but it is possible to beat the butter in with a spatula if it is soft enough. You should end up with a thick, velvety chocolate buttercream. Chill while you make the caramel topping.

FOR THE CARAMEL TOPPING

1. Choose the best-looking cake layer for the caramel top. Allow it to reach room temperature if it is just out of the fridge.

2. Line a jellyroll pan with parchment paper and butter the paper. Place the reserved cake layer on the paper. cut the cake into 12 equal wedges and arrange in a tight circle. Lightly oil a thin, sharp knife and an offset metal spatula. Keep the oil nearby for easy reapplication.

3. Stir the sugar, water and lemon juice in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil over a medium heat, stirring often to dissolve the sugar. Once dissolved into a smooth syrup, turn the heat up to high and boil without stirring, swirling the pan by the handle occasionally and washing down any sugar crystals on the sides of the pan with a wet brush until the syrup has turned into an amber-coloured caramel.

4. Now here comes the tricky part, so make sure you have a oiled, hot offset spatula ready. When the caramel is ready immediately pour all of it over the cake layer. Using the offset spatula, quickly spread the caramel evenly to the edge of the cake layer. Let cool until beginning to set, about 30 seconds. Using the tip of the hot oiled knife (keep re-oiling this with a pastry brush between cutting), divide the caramel layer into 12 equal wedges. Cool another minute or so, then use the edge of the knife to completely cut and separate the wedges using one firm slice movement (rather than rocking back and forth which may produce toffee strands). Cool completely.

ASSEMBLING THE DOBOS

1. Divide the buttercream into six equal parts.

2. Place a dab of chocolate buttercream on the middle of your 8” cardboard round and top with one cake layer. Spread the layer with one part of the chocolate icing. Repeat with 4 more cake layers. Spread the remaining icing on the sides of the cake.

3. Optional: press the finely chopped hazelnuts onto the sides of the cake.

4. Propping a hazelnut under each wedge so that it sits at an angle, arrange the wedges on top of the cake in a spoke pattern. If you have any leftover buttercream, you can pipe rosettes under each hazelnut or a large rosette in the center of the cake. Refrigerate the cake until the icing is set, about 2 hours. Let slices come to room temperature for the best possible flavor.

I'm Sorry. Have Some Cake?

2009-08-19T14:58:00.001-04:00

Photo by Katie Claypoole

Wow. So.

I've been gone a while, I know. I know. See the thing is, I got married. And decided to go to grad school. And...my dog died? The meeting ran long? I have a hard time walking in these shoes? And I lost my phone? All that stuff happened. For two months straight. Rough, right? Everything's fine now though, thanks for asking.

Anyway, as you may or may not have deduced, that's my wedding cake at the top of the post. It doesn't symbolize anything other than the fact that monsters are awesome. We bowed to tradition in many other respects, but the cake was our one little pushback against the Wedding Industrial Complex. Although, now that I think of it, all that colored fondant? It wasn't cheap. In fact it cost...oh, hell. I'm waving the white flag (or dress?). You win, Wedding Industrial Complex.

Was it all worth it? Let's get a look at those faces one more time:

Photo by Katie Claypoole

Yup.

May Daring Bakers' Challenge: Apple Strudel!

2009-05-27T21:00:00.002-04:00

Ah, the Daring Bakers' Challenge. You never fail to reduce me to a pile of anxiety and self-loathing, dusted with a fine coating of flour. Mr. Kat has learned to retreat to the furthest corner of our home when I attempt these challenges, since my stress level can raise the blood pressure of anyone within a 5-foot radius.

The May Daring Bakers’ challenge was hosted by Linda of make life sweeter! and Courtney of Coco Cooks. They chose Apple Strudel from the recipe book Kaffeehaus: Exquisite Desserts from the Classic Cafés of Vienna, Budapest and Prague by Rick Rodgers. Being of Eastern European stock, Mr. Kat was particularly excited about this one, although I could see the dread creep over his face as he envisioned me struggling with a large sheet of paper-thin dough (He was right to worry. I am not the most patient person, and once threw a new cordless phone across the room when I couldn't get a dial tone. I still returned it for a full refund, though, so, snap!).

Apple Strudel

Dough
1 1/3 cups unbleached flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
7 tablespoons water, plus more if needed
2 tablespoons vegetable oil, plus additional for coating the dough
1/2 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

Apple filling

2 tablespoons golden rum
3 tablespoons raisins
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/3 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted, divided
1 1/2 cups fresh bread crumbs
strudel dough (recipe below)
1/2 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
2 pounds tart cooking apples, peeled, cored and cut into ¼ inch-thick slices (I used Golden Delicious)

PREPARE THE DOUGH:
1. Combine the flour and salt in a stand-mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix the water, oil and vinegar in a measuring cup. Add the water/oil mixture to the flour with the mixer on low speed. You will get a soft dough. Make sure it is not too dry, add a little more water if necessary.

Take the dough out of the mixer. Change to the dough hook. Put the dough ball back in the mixer. Let the dough knead on medium until you get a soft dough ball with a somewhat rough surface.

2. Take the dough out of the mixer and continue kneading by hand on an unfloured work surface. Knead for about 2 minutes. Pick up the dough and throw it down hard onto your working surface occasionally.

Shape the dough into a ball and transfer it to a plate. Oil the top of the dough ball lightly. Cover the ball tightly with plastic wrap. Allow to stand for 30-90 minutes (longer is better).

3. It would be best if you have a work area that you can walk around on all sides like a 36 inch (90 cm) round table or a work surface of 23 x 38 inches (60 x 100 cm). Cover your working area with table cloth, dust it with flour and rub it into the fabric. Put your dough ball in the middle and roll it out as much as you can.

Pick the dough up by holding it by an edge. This way the weight of the dough and gravity can help stretching it as it hangs. Using the back of your hands to gently stretch and pull the dough. You can use your forearms to support it.

4. The dough will become too large to hold. Put it on your work surface. Leave the thicker edge of the dough to hang over the edge of the table. Place your hands underneath the dough and stretch and pull the dough thinner using the backs of your hands. Stretch and pull the dough until it's about 2 feet (60 cm) wide and 3 feet (90 cm) long, it will be tissue-thin by this time. Cut away the thick dough around the edges with scissors. The dough is now ready to be filled.

PREPARE THE FILLING
1. Mix the rum and raisins in a bowl. Mix the cinnamon and sugar in another bowl.

2. Heat 3 tablespoons of the butter in a large skillet over medium-high. Add the breadcrumbs and cook whilst stirring until golden and toasted. This will take about 3 minutes. Let it cool completely.

3. Put the rack in the upper third of the oven and preheat the oven to 400°F (200°C). Line a large baking sheet with baking paper (parchment paper). Make the strudel dough as described below. Spread about 3 tablespoons of the remaining melted butter over the dough using your hands (a bristle brush could tear the dough, you could use a special feather pastry brush instead of your hands). Sprinkle the buttered dough with the bread crumbs. Spread the walnuts about 3 inches (8 cm) from the short edge of the dough in a 6-inch-(15cm)-wide strip. Mix the apples with the raisins (including the rum), and the cinnamon sugar. Spread the mixture over the walnuts.

4. Fold the short end of the dough onto the filling. Lift the tablecloth at the short end of the dough so that the strudel rolls onto itself. Transfer the strudel to the prepared baking sheet by lifting it. Curve it into a horseshoe to fit. Tuck the ends under the strudel. Brush the top with the remaining melted butter.

5. Bake the strudel for about 30 minutes or until it is deep golden brown. Cool for at least 30 minutes before slicing. Use a serrated knife and serve either warm or at room temperature. It is best on the day it is baked.

April Daring Bakers' Challenge: Abbey's Infamous Cheesecake with Blueberry Lavender Topping!

2009-04-27T10:57:00.158-04:00

Aaaand she's back! After taking a little hiatus to concentrate on the details of planning a wedding and getting into graduate school, I'm coming out my corner swinging with a particularly exciting Daring Bakers' Challenge.

The April 2009 challenge is hosted by Jenny from Jenny Bakes. She has chosen Abbey's Infamous Cheesecake as the challenge.While the basic recipe is fantastic on its own, Jenny encouraged us to get creative and put our own spin on the cake. I've been obsessed with lavender-infused anything lately, so that provided the jumping off point for my brainstorm.

After a brief love affair with Smitten Kitchen's Key Lime Cheesecake, I came across this recipe in the Washington Post and decided to incorporate the key elements into Abbey's Infamous version. It's unfussy enough to please diehard cheesecake fans, but the addition of the honey and lavender along with the blueberries give it an added sophistication.

Abbey's Infamous Cheesecake with Blueberry Lavender Topping

CRUST

2 cups vanilla wafers, crumbled
1 stick / 4 oz butter, melted
2 tbsp. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract

FILLING

8 vanilla wafers, crumbled (about 1/2 cup)
3 tablespoons good-quality honey, such as wildflower
3 sticks of cream cheese, 8 oz each (total of 24 oz) room temperature
1 cup sugar
3 large eggs
1 cup heavy cream
1 tbsp. lemon juice
1 tbsp. vanilla extract (or the innards of a vanilla bean)

TOPPING

1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries, stemmed and washed
1/4 cup water
2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons dried culinary lavender (I found a small package for $3.99 at Kalustyans in New York's Curry Hill)
8 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature (do not use low-fat or nonfat)
1/2 cup heavy cream

PREP NOTES: While the actual making of this cheesecake is a minimal time commitment, it does need to bake for almost an hour, cool in the oven for an hour, and chill overnight before it is served, so plan accordingly.

EQUIPMENT: The creator of this recipe used to use a springform pan, but no matter how well she wrapped the thing in tin foil, water would always seep in and make the crust soggy. Now she uses one of those 1-use foil "casserole" shaped pans from the grocery store. They're 8 or 9 inches wide and really deep, and best of all, water-tight. When it comes time to serve, just cut the foil away.

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Begin to boil a large pot of water for the water bath.

Mix together the crust ingredients and press into your preferred pan. You can press the crust just into the bottom, or up the sides of the pan too - baker's choice. Set crust aside.

Combine the crumbled wafers and 3 tablespoons of the honey in a small bowl.

Star thistle honey from my home state of MI.

Combine cream cheese and sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer (or in a large bowl if using a hand-mixer) and cream together until smooth. Add eggs, one at a time, fully incorporating each before adding the next. Make sure to scrape down the bowl in between each egg. Add heavy cream, vanilla, and lemon juice, and blend until smooth and creamy. Fold the wafer-honey mixture into the batter.

Pour batter into prepared crust and tap the pan on the counter a few times to bring all air bubbles to the surface. Place pan into a larger pan and pour boiling water into the larger pan until halfway up the side of the cheesecake pan. If cheesecake pan is not airtight, cover bottom securely with foil before adding water.

Bake 45 to 55 minutes, until it is almost done - this can be hard to judge, but you're looking for the cake to hold together, but still have a lot of jiggle to it in the center. You don't want it to be completely firm at this stage. Close the oven door, turn the heat off, and let rest in the cooling oven for one hour. This lets the cake finish cooking and cool down gently enough so that it won't crack on the top.

While the cake is baking, prepare the topping: Combine the blueberries, water and sugar in a small saucepan over medium-high heat. Cook, stirring, for about 5 minutes, until the berries are very soft.

Add the lavender and remove from the heat. Let the mixture steep for 15 minutes, then transfer to a blender and puree. Strain through a fine-mesh strainer, pressing on the solids to extract as much liquid as possible. There should be about 1/4 cup of lavender syrup; discard the solids.

Culinary lavender

Beat the cream cheese in the bowl of a stand mixer or hand-held electric mixer on medium speed for several minutes, until it is smooth and creamy. Reduce the speed to low, then add the yogurt and the lavender syrup. If needed, use a spatula to make sure the mixture is blended together completely.

Remove the pan from the bain-marie and place on a wire rack; let it rest for 5 minutes, then spread the topping evenly over the cheesecake. Cool completely, then cover and refrigerate overnight (still in the springform or aluminum pan). Drizzle with honey or garnish with mint leaves prior to serving.

Blueberry Monkey Bread

2009-02-08T19:49:00.136-05:00

Monkeys! Who doesn't love monkeys? They can fly spaceships, run hotels, play professional baseball, even catapult a B-List actor to the presidency! So what could be better than monkey bread?

One of my favorite ways to eat any kind of bread is to just pull off a chunk with my hands and go to town. Since monkey bread is simply a loaf comprised of bite-sized rolls, it's the ideal treat for the bread-loving savage. This particular recipe was inspired by the Fluffy Blueberry Cardamom Monkey Bread at Bake My Day and James Beard's recipe in his classic book, Beard on Bread. It's a sweet and spicy twist on such breakfast classics as the blueberry muffin or the blueberry pancake.

Blueberry Monkey Bread

2 cups milk, luke warm
2 tsp. active dry yeast
1/2 cup plus 2 tbsp. sugar
10 tbsp. butter
1 tsp. ground cardamom seeds
1/2 tsp. lemon zest
1 large egg
1/4 tsp. salt
5 cups bread flour
1/2 cup blueberries (I used frozen)
1/2 tsp. cinnamon

Sprinkle the yeast over the milk and let proof, 5 minutes. Combine the 2 tbs.sugar, 2 tbs. butter, egg, zest, cardamom, salt and 1 cup of the flour in a bowl. Add the milk/yeast mixture and stir with a spatula until smooth. Add 2 more cups of the flour and stir again to a smooth paste. Add another cup of flour and mix to incorporate, adding more of the flour as you think necessary. It should be a soft dough, but not so sticky that it adheres to the side of the bowl.

Turn the dough out on a floured work surface and knead by hand, just a couple of times. For bulkrise, place in an oiled bowl, cover with plastic wrap and let rise until doubled, about 90 minutes. Punch the dough down and let it rest for 5 minutes. Return to a floured work surface and shape it into a ball. Let it rest for another 5 to 10 minutes. Meanwhile, butter two loaf pans.

In a small saucepan, melt one stick of butter with the blueberries, 1/2 cup of the sugar, and the cinnamon. To shape, divide the dough into ping-pong ball-sized balls by rolling them in your hands. I dusted my fingers with a tiny bit of flour when the dough got too sticky to mold. Roll the balls in the butter mixture (I found a slotted spoon quite helpful) and line each pan with them, arranging in loose layers. Pour what is left of the butter mixture over the top of the loaves. Cover loosely with a foil tent and let the dough rise to the top of the loaf pans, about a half hour. Place both pans in a preheated 375F oven and bake for 40 minutes, until golden.

Makes two loaves.

From the Let's Get Real, I'm Never Going to Do This Department

2009-02-05T16:15:00.018-05:00

How to Make Your Own Vanilla Extract

This is up there with churning your own butter. It doesn't sound all that hard, but neither does sewing my own curtains, and I don't do that either. What the hell are mother-in-laws for, anyway?

(Belated) January Daring Bakers' Challenge: Tuiles

2009-02-01T21:32:00.142-05:00

How I long for summer.

Given the decedence of last month's yule log challenge, how fitting that the Daring Bakers kicked off the new year with something light. For January, Karen a.k.a. Baking Soda at Bake My Day! and Zorra a.k.a. Kochtopf at 1x umrühren bitte challenged us, the daring bakers of the internets, to create tuiles, a thin, crisp cookie that is molded into various traditional shapes while still warm. They may be rolled into cylandars and filled with whipped cream, shaped into cones for ice cream, made into fluted baskets -- you name it. This particular recipe comes from The Chocolate Book by Angélique Schmeink. Vegan and Chocolate Tuiles can be found in Finest Desserts by Michel Roux.

For me, the best part about this challenge was that it gave me an excuse to try out of one of my favorite Christmas presents, David Leibovitz's The Perfect Scoop. In honor of Rafael Nadal's ass-stomping performance at the Aussie Open, I decided to go with the Spanish treat Leche Merengada: a frozen meringue with a hint of lemon and cinnamon. (Sidenote: If some tool shed tries to tell you that an ice cream maker is not an essential tool for a baker, run. Run far and run fast, because that person is trying to suck your life force.)

Jesus, Rafa, can't you wait a half hour?

I was too lazy to try to make stencils for my tuiles, so at first I tried piping some free-form circles and butterflies. Except after a few minutes in the oven, my butterflies started to look like ladybugs. Actually, that one in the lower right-hand corner kind of looks like a butt. You can understand why I didn't try any more butterflies.

Eew?

Maybe if I shaped them with a rolling pin?

Trust me, they don't look any more like butterflies right-side up.

Now they looked like Pringles, which was a slight improvement, but not exactly what I was going for. On to the cigars.

Just a cigar.

Muuuuuch better. The easiest way I found to shape the cookies was to pick them up with a spatula directly from the oven and drape them over the round handle of a wooden spoon. Then, using a kitchen towel to protect your fingers, gently mold the cookie around the handle (or dowel, or whatever) and hold it there until it firms up, about 45 seconds.

The end result: crispy, buttery, delicious. A perfect accompaniment to the delicate flavor of the Leche Merengada. This paring could only possibly be improved by the addition of a little espresso poured over the top. Maybe not for Rafa, though. He's hyper enough.

Ceeeelebrate Good Cakes, COME ON!

2009-01-20T14:15:00.000-05:00

I can't help it, y'all! The Hope, it overtakes me! Must...look...at...OBAMACAKES!

Seriously, how awesome is today? Also, what do you think Bushie was thinking about during Obama's speech? I think he was counting down the minutes until he could get in that helicopter and pop an O'Doul's.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Roundup

2009-01-15T10:42:00.003-05:00

C is for Cookie, originally uploaded by AMagill.

Whoo! I tell you, that yule log just took the life right outta me. After a project like that, what I really want to do is get back to basics, refine my bread technique, maybe tackle a baguette -- we're facing down a long stretch of frigid days here in New York, so now, even more so than during the holidays, is the time when I crave the comforts of home and hearth.

Today I'd like to begin what I hope will become a series of round-ups of recipes for a single baked good, each great in their own way. Given the time of year and my tendency toward SAD-induced moping, I thought I'd start with something nostalgic: chocolate chip cookies.

Heidi Swanson's Mesquite Chocolate Chip Cookies Versions of this recipe can be found online, but for the love of all that is good and holy, buy Heidi's book. There are SO many healthy and delicious recipes in there, and every single one has been a hit for us, particularly these cookies. Mesquite flour is a bit esoteric, but it lends such a warm, faintly cinnamon-y flavor that I've come to think of it as a spice - a relatively small amount goes a long way. These cookies are great for when you're craving something familiar, but you're bored with the same ol', same ol'.

Kinda Healthy-ish Chocolate Chip Snacking Cookies
Everything's more fun when it's mini! Read all about my original recipe here.

That Crazy NY Times Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe That Everyone Went Bugshit About
I reacted to this recipe in the same way that I reacted to the Arctic Monkeys (remember them)? All of a sudden everyone was making it and having breathless conversations about it, but before I actually got around to trying it the fever had died down and it didn't seem worth the effort any more. But Jacques Torres is pretty infallible in my book, so who knows? If someone would care to weigh in, I'm all ears.

Original Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies
If it ain't broke, don't fix it - am I right?

French Yule Log

2008-12-29T13:28:00.003-05:00

It’s the moment we wait for every month: the Daring Bakers’ Challenge! This December my Christmas wish came early when I learned that we would be making a holiday yule log. It was more than I dared hope, since I knew that the DBs made a yule log last year, but my joy quickly turned to anxiety when I learned that we wouldn’t be making the rolled-up cake log with which I was most familiar, but rather an entrements or cream dessert in the French style consisting of SIX separate components: almond dacquoise biscuit, chocolate mousse, crème brulee, dark chocolate ganache, praline crisp, and chocolate icing. Recipes for each graciously contributed by Flore at Florilege Gourmand.

A classic in French cinema.

The challenge hosts, Hilda from Saffron and Blueberry and Marion from Il en Faut Peu Pour Etre Heureux assured us that the log wasn’t nearly as difficult or time consuming as it appeared. To add another ladle of guilt, daring Hilda is six months pregnant and claimed to put the whole thing together in a day and a half. That meant that I, being of sound mind and empty uterus, should be able to whip it together over a weekend.

Except it took more like a week. Plus the week beforehand assembling all the ingredients and debating what kind of pan to use. Next time around I might cut some corners, like using rice cereal for the praline crisp instead of making crepes from scratch, or using Nutella instead of making my own praline paste. There was also a solid five or six hours spent standing at the kitchen counter and whimpering, but if pressed, I could probably pare that down to two and a half.

Champagne Juleps, anyone?

But enough whining, let’s talk about taste. The weekend before Christmas, my dude and I threw a little cocktail party to wish everyone safe travels, so he mixed champagne juleps and I served the Log. Holy Showstoppers, Batman, it was a hit. The layers were all right where they were supposed to be, and the $7 snowflake sprinkles added just the right amount of drama. I was so proud. It was like watching my little baby win Miss Grand National Star Grand Supreme.

There are dozens of potential flavor variations for this recipe, so I'm not even going to begin to catalog them all here. For that, I'll leave you in the very capable hands of Miss Hilda, who has posted an excellent rundown, including tips from David Leibovitz and Daring Baker Fairy Tartlette. Of course, if anyone has any questions they'd like answered from the amateur's perspective, I'm happy to field them.

AWWWWW.

2008-12-16T10:52:00.002-05:00

snowman cupcake 5342 R, originally uploaded by nicisme.

I want these to appear at my next holiday party. Someone hook a Kat up!

Fine, here are the instructions. Do I have to do everything?

Thoughts on Chicago Deep Dish

2008-12-11T11:00:00.002-05:00

By now I've made it very clear how much I love to make pizza at home, but I haven't mentioned that some of my clearest food memories from childhood took place in a suburban Chicago pizza parlor.

Mid-Michigan does not have a strong pizza legacy. When my parents ordered our regular Friday-night pie, it came from one of the chains and I liked it just fine. But when we went to visit my Aunt Karen in Aurora, IL, we got the real deal: gooey, tangy, crispy-on-the-edges Chicago deep dish. I would while away the 90 or so minutes it took to prepare our pizza playing Centipede while the adults drank draft beers. I have yet to feel the same level of elation in a restaurant as when my parents finally called me to table, not even when I got seated after waiting two hours for a bar table at Babbo.

My beautiful aunt passed away last weekend. She was far too young and, aside from her robust appreciation for pizza, beer, and other Chicago specialties, took excellent care of her health. I thought I still had many more years to share these memories with her. It's not fair.

It saddens me that I'm not able to be at her funeral today, but I thank you for letting me share with you. Now go share a slice with someone you love.

Golden Vanilla Bean Caramels

2008-11-30T16:41:00.005-05:00

Notice that the title of this blog is not "Kat Makes Candy" or "Kandy Kat" or "Kat Kooks Kandy." There is a reason for that, other than the fact that those names are abhorrent. The reason is that making candy is hard. Even harder than baking. True, baking is an unforgiving science, but if you adhere to a good and proven recipe, you'll usually be okay. You may not have the prettiest cookie/cake/pie, but you'll be okay. Not so with candy making. If, for example, you do not temper your chocolate to the precise degree, you'll instantly drop dead. Don't ask me how I know this.

When I found out that November's Daring Baker's Challenge included an optional caramel candy recipe, I initially assumed I'd pass.We have enough junk laying around the apartment already, without adding my corpse to the detritus. But I am Chief Peanut Brittle and Fudge Officer at my parents' house during the holidays, so I thought it might be time to add to my skill set.

Even more so than with baking, the key to successful candy-making is precisely measuring out your ingredients and having them ready at hand when the time comes. I fumbled a bit with my vanilla at the end, and as a result my caramels were a bit tougher than I would've liked. You'll be relieved to know that I did not die, although I did suffer some first-degree burns to my fingers from "checking" the caramel too hastily. A small price to pay for broadening the ol' candy repertoire.

Golden Vanilla Bean Caramels

- Recipe from Pure Dessert by Alice Medrich -

Makes approx. eighty-one 1-inch caramels

1 cup golden syrup
2 cups sugar
3/8 teaspoon fine sea salt
2 cups heavy cream
1 1/2 teaspoons pure ground vanilla beans, purchased or ground in a coffee or spice grinders, or 1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into chunks, softened

EQUIPMENT: 9-inch square baking pan, candy thermometer

1. Line the bottom and sides of the baking pan with aluminum foil and grease the foil. Combine the golden syrup, sugar, and salt in a heavy 3-quart saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring with a silicone spatula or wooden spoon, until the mixture begins to simmer around the edges. Wash the sugar and syrup from the sides of the pan with a pastry brush dipped in water. Cover and cook for about 3 minutes. (Meanwhile, rinse the spatula or spoon before using it again later.) Uncover the pan and wash down the sides once more. Attach the candy thermometer to the pan, without letting it touch the bottom of the pan, and cook, uncovered (without stirring) until the mixture reaches 305°F. Meanwhile, combine the cream and ground vanilla beans (not the extract) in a small saucepan and heat until tiny bubbles form around the edges of the pan. Turn off the heat and cover the pan to keep the cream hot.

2. When the sugar mixture reaches 305°F, turn off the heat and stir in the butter chunks. Gradually stir in the hot cream; it will bubble up and steam dramatically, so be careful. Turn the burner back on and adjust it so that the mixture boils energetically but not violently. Stir until any thickened syrup at the bottom of the pan is dissolved and the mixture is smooth. Continue to cook, stirring occasionally, to about 245°F. (Kat sez: resist the urge to turn up the heat if the temperature gets "stuck." It took at least 20 minutes for mine to get from 235°F to 245°F, but be patient. You'll get there) Then cook, stirring constantly, to 260°F for soft, chewy caramels or 265°F for firmer chewy caramels.

3. Remove the pan from the heat and stir in the vanilla extract, if using it. Pour the caramel into the lined pan. Let set for 4 to 5 hours, or overnight until firm.

4. Lift the pan liner from the pan and invert the sheet of caramel onto a sheet of parchment paper. Peel off the liner. Cut the caramels with an oiled knife. Wrap each caramel individually in wax paper or cellophane.(Kat sez: in my experience, caramels wrapped in wax paper stay soft longer than those wrapped in cellophane.)

November Daring Bakers' Challenge: Caramel Cake!

2008-11-29T00:00:00.017-05:00

Holy cats. This month's Daring Bakers' Challenge certainly lived up to the "challenge" part of its moniker. But no complaints out of me; that's why I signed up for this group in the first place.

So, on with it: November's challenge brings us Shuna Fish Lydon's Caramel Cake with Caramelized Butter Frosting, as well as an optional non-baked treat, Golden Vanilla Bean Caramels from Alice Medrich's Pure Dessert (more on that tomorrow). Both were bold choices, and I thank hosts Dolores, Alex, and Jenny for introducing me to not one, but TWO recipes that I would probably never have had the stones to try otherwise.

The making of this cake played out much like a pivotal scene in one of my favorite movies, "An Officer and a Gentleman," where Lou Gossett Jr's tough-as-nails Sergeant Foley pushes Richard Gere's Zack Mayo to his emotional breaking point. In my version, the role of Mayo is played by yours truly, and the role of Sgt. Foley is played by caramel syrup.

"Why don't you just give up, Kat?"

"Because I got nowhere else to go!" [sobs]

No, really - I had a five pound bag of granulated sugar and a raging head cold. What else was I going to do with myself on a rainy Saturday afternoon? Like Zack "Mayonnaise" Mayo, I pushed through the obstacle and tried again, this time with much improved results. Moving on.

With the caramel syrup out of the way, the rest of the cake came together relatively easily. I didn't have the recommended round 9-inch pan, so I poured the batter into a square 9-inch pan and hoped for the best. It came out of the oven looking lovely and golden, but it hadn't risen as much as I'd hoped, and when I turned it out onto a platter it looked a little...inadequate. Like, this cake was never going to be a commissioned officer, if you know what I'm saying, and I think you do. To give it a little more dignity, I cut it in half and made a 9 by 4.5 inch layer cake. Then I fought back my tears and saluted it.

A little whiskey and cake never hurt anyone

A final word of warning: this cake is S to the W to the E-E-T, SWEET, so (and I don't say this often) I recommend serving very modest slices for maximum impact. They'll go back for seconds, I promise.

Caramel lifts us up where we belooo-oo-ooong...

Caramel Cake with Caramelized Butter Frosting

- All recipes courtesy of Shuna Fish Lydon -

10 tablespoons unsalted butter at room temperature
1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/3 cup Caramel Syrup (see recipe below)
2 each eggs, at room temperature
Splash vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup milk, at room temperature

1. Preheat oven to 350F.

2. Butter one tall (2 – 2.5 inch deep) 9-inch cake pan.

3. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream butter until smooth. Add sugar and salt and cream until light and fluffy. (Kat sez: I don't have a stand mixer, so I used my hand mixer on low/medium low)

4. Slowly pour room temperature caramel syrup into bowl. Scrape down bowl and increase speed. Add eggs/vanilla extract a little at a time, mixing well after each addition. Scrape down bowl again, beat mixture until light and uniform.

5. Sift flour and baking powder.

6. Turn mixer to lowest speed, and add one third of the dry ingredients. When incorporated, add half of the milk, a little at a time. Add another third of the dry ingredients, then the other half of the milk and finish with the dry ingredients. {This is called the dry, wet, dry, wet, dry method in cake making. It is often employed when there is a high proportion of liquid in the batter.}

7. Take off mixer and by hand, use a spatula to do a few last folds, making sure batter is uniform. Turn batter into prepared cake pan.

8. Place cake pan on cookie sheet or 1/2 sheet pan. Set first timer for 30 minutes, rotate pan and set timer for another 15-20 minutes. Your own oven will set the pace. Bake until sides pull away from the pan and skewer inserted in middle comes out clean. Cool cake completely before icing it.

Cake will keep for three days outside of the refrigerator.

Caramel Syrup

2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1 cup water (for "stopping" the caramelization process)

1. In a small stainless steel saucepan, with tall sides, mix water and sugar until mixture feels like wet sand. Brush down any stray sugar crystals with wet pastry brush. Turn on heat to highest flame. Cook until smoking slightly: dark amber. (Kat sez: for me, once the syrup started smoking it was already too late. the second time I attempted this, I took it off the heat at medium amber.)

2. When color is achieved, very carefully pour in one cup of water. Caramel will jump and sputter about! It is very dangerous, so have long sleeves on and be prepared to step back.

3. Whisk over medium heat until it has reduced slightly and feels sticky between two fingers. (Obviously wait for it to cool on a spoon before touching it.)

Note: For safety reasons, have ready a bowl of ice water to plunge your hands into if any caramel should land on your skin.

Caramelized Butter Frosting

12 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 pound confectioner’s sugar, sifted
4-6 tablespoons heavy cream
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2-4 tablespoons caramel syrup
Kosher or sea salt to taste

1. Cook butter until brown. Pour through a fine meshed sieve into a heatproof bowl, set aside to cool.

2. Pour cooled brown butter into mixer bowl.

3. In a stand mixer fitted with a paddle or whisk attachment, add confectioner's sugar a little at a time. When mixture looks too chunky to take any more, add a bit of cream and or caramel syrup. Repeat until mixture looks smooth and all confectioner's sugar has been incorporated. Add salt to taste.

Note: Caramelized butter frosting will keep in fridge for up to a month. To smooth out from cold, microwave a bit, then mix with paddle attachment until smooth and light.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-25T11:14:00.000-05:00

I'm heading off to the mighty Midwest in a few short hours, but I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. Even if you're not American and/or observing the day, I hope you can at least enjoy this photo of a woman wearing a wedding dress made from turkey feathers holding a turkey carcass.

As a gift of thanks to our hosts (my parents), we're toting some sour cherries on the plane for Nick Malgieri's Once-A-Year Cherry Pie, which we like to enjoy all year long by hording summer cherries in our freezer.

Expect posts on pies, wholesome, middle-American fun and the next Daring Bakers' Challenge to come over the next several days.

Apple Muffins

2008-11-22T14:08:00.005-05:00

The muffin of my eye

I promised you a recipe, and I shall deliver. Never doubt me, kittens.

I stumbled across this one when I was living beyond my means in a studio that was ramshackle in every way but happened to have a decently-sized kitchen. I cut the cable to save money, but the Time Warner tech took pity on me and left me with two channels: the Food Network and Spike. One morning I watched Ellie Krieger make these muffins, and a couple hours and a few episodes of "Man Versus Beast" later, the apple-cinnamon smell was wafting through my overpriced shoebox.

The recipe makes a dozen, but I like to freeze them and sling 'em in the toaster oven on chilly mornings.

Apple Muffins

- Adapted from Ellie Krieger's recipe on FoodNetwork.com-

Make a dozen muffins

3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
1/4 cup chopped walnuts
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole-wheat pastry flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup canola oil
2 large eggs
1 cup natural applesauce
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 cup lowfat buttermilk
1 Golden Delicious apple, peeled, cored and cut into 1/4-inch pieces

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Lightly grease a muffin pan or fill with liners.

2. In a small bowl, mix together 2 tablespoons of the brown sugar, the walnuts and cinnamon.

3. In a medium bowl, whisk together the all-purpose and whole-wheat flour, baking soda and salt.

4. In a large bowl, whisk the remaining 3/4 cup sugar and oil until combined. Add the eggs, 1 at a time, whisking well after each addition. Whisk in the applesauce and vanilla.

5. Whisk in the flour mixture in 2 batches, alternating with the buttermilk. Whisk just until combined. Gently stir in the apple chunks.

6. Pour the batter into the prepared muffin pan and sprinkle with the walnut mixture. Tap the pan on the counter a few times to remove any air bubbles. Bake for 20 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center of 1 of the muffins comes out clean.

7. Let cool on a wire rack for 15 minutes. Run a knife around the muffins to loosen them and unmold. Cool completely on the rack.

Woe is the Sick Baker

2008-11-21T10:23:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I complained that the mild weather was foiling my favorite autumn pastime of making and consuming warm, comforting baked goods. Well, I finally got my wish. It's just a few degrees above freezing now, but am I buzzing around the kitchen in a cloud of flour? No. I am lying on the couch mainlining tea and Emergen-C while watching "Jon and Kate Plus 8." Because I have a miserable cold, and multiple birth programing is the only thing that gets me through, apparently.

On Monday I stayed home from work, so after thirteen or so hours of sleep I summoned the energy for a batch of Kinda Healthy-ish Snacking Cookies, but after a week of inertia I'm jonesing for another challenge. So take heart, my Baking Kittens! I'll be slinging a spatula again in the very near future.

Big, buttery hugs,
Kat

The Donut Hole

2008-11-11T11:57:00.001-05:00

The Donut Hole, originally uploaded by GarySe7en.

At least it's not glazed.

Yes We Cake!

2008-11-06T16:47:00.007-05:00

From Smohundro's Flickr Photostream

I meant to say this yesterday, but I think I was still in shock: November 4th, 2008 at around 11pm EST will go down as one of the coolest/proudest/most patriotic moments of my entire life. I didn't think that my friend Jessie's chili could be improved upon, but washed down with the sweet taste of victory after eight years of bitterness and disgust? Yes, yes it can.

UPDATE: There is an entire Yes We Cake website full of President Cake-Elects! And it's run by Melissa of Cake Hero! Melissa made a Morrissey cake for our friend Tony's birthday a few months back, and it was amazing, although I didn't know whether I should eat the cake or throw it on my mom's carpet and write tear-stained poems in my room. But anyway, thanks for the tip, Nina and Dan!

Bare Necessities (Plus)

2008-11-05T15:21:00.004-05:00

Does Anyone Have a Whisk?, originally uploaded by pattie74_99.

As I've mentioned before, the Dude and I are getting married this summer, which I've heard from other home cooks is the greatest thing that could ever happen to your kitchen. That got me thinking: when friends and family start asking what we'd like as gifts (even though they know perfectly well that the only thing I've ever wanted was a pony, *gah*), what should I say? We're pretty set on the basics - measuring spoons, mixing bowls, spatulas - but what slightly esoteric tool or piece of equipment can you not live without? Lemme know in comments pls thx.

Something Completely Different, End-of-October Edition

2008-10-30T10:19:00.003-04:00

About once a month, I like to break with the theme of this blog and post something I'm just obsessed with. Last night I actually stayed up late enough for The Colbert Report, and it's a good thing I did, because Stephen was in rare form. Enjoy.

October Daring Bakers' Challenge: Pizza Tossing!

2008-10-29T10:34:00.010-04:00

Pizza Napoletana

I am very excited to announce that I recently joined the Daring Bakers, an online community of baking enthusiasts who all bake the same thing, then blog about it on the same day at the end of the month. I look forward to getting to know all my fellow baker-bloggers, and to pushing my baking to the limit.

So! On to this month's challenge. October being National Pizza Month, hostess Rosa of Rosa's Yummy Yum's appropriately selected Peter Reinhart's Basic Pizza Dough from his acclaimed cookbook, The Bread Baker's Apprentice. It's a great choice, and a favorite of some of my online idols.

Now, I must admit that when I first learned of this challenge, I was a little disappointed. As y'all know, I make a lot of pizza, so I thought it would be too easy for me, thus negating the whole "challenge" part of the equation. However, this challenge was a bit more complicated than I anticipated. First of all, it requires a long, overnight rise, making it a significant departure from my usual throw-it-together, ready-in-90-minutes recipe. Secondly, the challenge required us to actually TOSS the dough. You know, like this guy:

Okay, maybe not exactly like that guy, but still: different = scary. Since I wasn't feeling confident about my crust, I decided to play it safe with the toppings. I made one classic Napoletana with tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella and slivered basil, and the old pizza parlor standby, pepperoni. Luckily, I had little to fear, because although this recipe may seem complicated at first, it's actually quite straightforward, and if you allow for the full rest and rise, you get a crust that's light on the inside, crispy on the outside, and gives Patsy Grimaldi a run for her money.

Basic Pizza Dough

- Original recipe taken from The Bread Baker's Apprentice by Peter Reinhart -

Makes 6 pizza crusts (about 9-12 inches/23-30 cm in diameter)

4 1/2 cups unbleached bread flour or all purpose flour, chilled
1 3/4 tsp. salt
1 tsp. instant yeast
1/4 cup olive oil or vegetable oil (both optional, but it’s better with)
1 3/4 cups water, ice cold
1 tb. sugar
Semolina/durum flour or cornmeal for dusting

DAY ONE

1. Mix together the flour, salt and instant yeast in a big bowl (or in the bowl of your stand mixer).

2. Add the oil, sugar and cold water and mix well (with the help of a large wooden spoon or with the paddle attachment, on low speed) in order to form a sticky ball of dough. On a clean surface, knead for about 5-7 minutes, until the dough is smooth and the ingredients are homogeneously distributed. If it is too wet, add a little flour (not too much, though) and if it is too dry add 1 or 2 teaspoons extra water.

3. Flour a work surface or counter. Line a jelly pan with baking paper/parchment. Lightly oil the paper.

4. With the help of a metal or plastic dough scraper, cut the dough into 6 equal pieces (or larger if you want to make larger pizzas). NOTE: To avoid the dough from sticking to the scraper, dip the scraper into water between cuts.

5. Sprinkle some flour over the dough. Make sure your hands are dry and then flour them. Gently round each piece into a ball. NOTE: If the dough sticks to your hands, then dip your hands into the flour again.

6. Transfer the dough balls to the lined jelly pan and mist them generously with spray oil. Slip the pan into plastic bag or enclose in plastic food wrap.

7. Put the pan into the refrigerator and let the dough rest overnight or for up to thee days. NOTE: You can store the dough balls in a zippered freezer bag if you want to save some of the dough for any future baking. In that case, pour some oil (a few tablespoons only) in a medium bowl and dip each dough ball into the oil, so that it is completely covered in oil. Then put each ball into a separate bag. Store the bags in the freezer for no longer than 3 months. The day before you plan to make pizza, remember to transfer the dough balls from the freezer to the refrigerator.

Couldn't have done it without my favorite pink hoodie.

DAY TWO

8. On the day you plan to eat pizza, exactly 2 hours before you make it, remove the desired number of dough balls from the refrigerator. Dust the counter with flour and spray lightly with oil. Place the dough balls on a floured surface and sprinkle them with flour. Dust your hands with flour and delicately press the dough into disks about 1/2 inch thick and 5 inches in diameter. Sprinkle with flour and mist with oil. Loosely cover the dough rounds with plastic wrap and then allow to rest for 2 hours.

9. At least 45 minutes before making the pizza, place a baking stone on the lower third of the oven. Preheat the oven as hot as possible (500° F/260° C).
NOTE: If you do not have a baking stone, then use the back of a jelly pan. Do not preheat the pan.

10. Generously sprinkle the back of a jelly pan with semolina/durum flour or cornmeal. Flour your hands (palms, backs and knuckles). Take 1 piece of dough by lifting it with a pastry scraper. Lay the dough across your fists in a very delicate way and carefully stretch it by bouncing it in a circular motion on your hands, and by giving it a little stretch with each bounce. Once the dough has expanded outward, move to a full toss.

I miss my pizza stone.

NOTE: Make only one pizza at a time.During the tossing process, if the dough tends to stick to your hands, lay it down on the floured counter and re-flour your hands, then continue the tossing and shaping.

In case you would be having trouble tossing the dough or if the dough never wants to expand and always springs back, let it rest for approximately 5-20 minutes in order for the gluten to relax fully,then try again.You can also resort to using a rolling pin, although it isn’t as effective as the toss method.

11. When the dough has the shape you want (about 9-12 inches/23-30 cm in diameter - for a 6 ounces/180g piece of dough), place it on the back of the jelly pan, making sure there is enough semolina/durum flour or cornmeal to allow it to slide and not stick to the pan.

12. Lightly top it with sweet or savory toppings of your choice.
NOTE: Remember that the best pizzas are topped not too generously. No more than 3 or 4 toppings (including sauce and cheese) are sufficient.

13. Slide the garnished pizza onto the stone in the oven or bake directly on the jelly pan. Close the door and bake for about 5-8 minutes.
NOTE: After 2 minutes baking, take a peek. For an even baking, rotate 180°.If the top gets done before the bottom, you will need to move the stone or jelly pane to a lower shelf before the next round. On the contrary, if the bottom crisps before the cheese caramelizes, then you will need to raise the stone or jelly.

14. Take the pizza out of the oven and transfer it to a cutting board or your plate. In order to allow the cheese to set a little, wait 3-5 minutes before slicing or serving.

REMARKS

Here are the recipes I used to make my Pizza Napoletana and Parlor Style Pepperoni Pie.

Classic Red Pizza Sauce

- recipe from The Kitchn -

makes about 5 cups

10 cloves fresh garlic, minced
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 28 ounce can tomato puree
1/2 cup red wine
1 cup water
1/4 cup olive oil
1 tablespoon fresh parsley, minced
3 tablespoons fresh basil, minced
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons salt, or to taste

Lightly saute the minced garlic in olive oil over medium heat until golden. Add the tomato paste and fry with the garlic. Add to the rest of the ingredients and blend in a blender or food processor.

This keeps up to a week in the fridge and much longer frozen. Freeze in individual bags, then defrost overnight, snip off a corner and squeeze out the sauce.

Pizza Napoletana

3/4 cup Classic Red Pizza Sauce (recipe above)
1/4 lb. fresh mozzarella, sliced 1/4 inch thick
handful fresh basil, slivered

Spread sauce over stretched dough in a thin, even layer. You should be able to see through the sauce to the dough in some places. Evenly arrange mozzarella slices and sprinkle with basil. Bake as recommended above.

Parlor Style Pepperoni Pie

3/4 cup Classic Red Pizza Sauce (recipe above)
1 cup mozzarella, shredded
2 oz. sliced pepperoni
1/3 cup sharp cheddar, shredded
2 fat cloves garlic, sliced

Spread sauce over the dough in a thin, even layer. You should be able to see through the sauce to the dough in some places. Top with a layer of mozzarella, then pepperoni, then a light sprinkling of cheddar and garlic slices. Bake as recommended above.

Do I Need This?

2008-10-28T10:24:00.002-04:00

Per Alton Brown's advice, I try to avoid bringing unitaskers into my kitchen, but I don't know, this bread warmer seems worthy of an exception. What's more seductive than a warm bun?

Bacon and Baking: Discuss

2008-10-27T14:00:00.002-04:00

DAY 299: chocolate bacon, originally uploaded by R.A.M.O.N.E..

Bacon seems to be the hot new ingredient in desserts (see here, here, and here. Also here [NSFW]). What do you think? Are you thrilled by the marriage of sweets and cured meats? Nauseated? Just totally over it?

EVO and Yogurt Cake

2008-10-27T13:26:00.004-04:00

When I posted this photo on Flickr with the title "Lemony EVO Cake", my friend Sarah asked me if EVO is different from EVOO, or "Evoo", so popularized by Rachael Ray. The answer is no, EVO also refers to extra virgin olive oil, yes I am aware that it makes less sense to call it EVO than EVOO if you look at the letters, and no, I'm not going to cave and call it Evoo. I'm just not. As Amy Poehler would say, deal with it. Also? I actually used limes, not lemons. That part is my bad.

I decided to try this cake because I've heard nothing but great things about it, and because it's incredibly quick and easy. It satisfied my after-dinner sweet tooth without being overkill, and I'm sure it would be awesome for breakfast as well.

On the day of baking I didn't have full-fat yogurt and there was only one egg in the fridge, so I had to swap in lowfat yogurt and Egg Beaters. The cake suffered no major ill effects, but I think the full-fat dairy might've dialed back the olive oil flavor a bit. I strongly recommend using Dorie's recipe as it stands.

EVO and Yogurt Cake

- makes 1 loaf or approx. 8 servings -

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
Pinch of salt
1 cup sugar
Finely grated zest of 1 lime
1/2 cup plain whole milk yogurt
3 large eggs
1/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup EVO (extra-virgin olive oil)

One 8 1/2-x-4 1/2-inch loaf pan, generously buttered.

1. Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350°F. Whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt.

2. Put the sugar and zest in a medium bowl and rub the ingredients together until the sugar is fragrant. Whisk in the yogurt, eggs and vanilla. When the mixture is well blended, gently whisk in the dry ingredients. Switch to a spatula and fold in the oil. The batter will be thick and shiny. Scrape it into the pan and smooth the top.

3. Bake the cake for 50 to 55 minutes, or until it is golden and starts to come away from the sides of the pan; a knife inserted into the center of the cake will come out clean. Cool on a rack for 5 minutes, then run a knife between the cake and the sides of the pan. Unmold and cool to room temperature right-side up.

Madge + Kat = Not Friends

2008-10-21T16:42:00.002-04:00

According to her future ex-hubby Guy Ritchie (via London's Daily Mail), Madonna had this thing about baked goods. She did not approve of them:

[S]he banned sugar entirely, which made biscuits, ice creams and cakes
objects of almost otherworldly fascination for her daughter Lourdes and their
son Rocco.

Well, duh. I find cookies utterly fascinating too, and I eat them like, every day. And to add insult to already serious injury...

She also banned cheese, cream, salt and preservatives.

What. The. Eff. If I were Guy Ritchie, I would immediately start work on my tell-all, Not Without My Cheese Plate.

Señor Doughnut Shreds, Eats It

2008-10-21T13:58:00.004-04:00

Up until today I've been curious to see the movie Sex Drive mostly because it co-stars Clark Duke of Clark and Michael fame, but the versatile Señor Doughnut pretty much seals it:

Nope, no languishing in the Netflix queue for this chico.

Why Won't it Get Cold Already?

2008-10-16T10:06:00.002-04:00

We've had a steady string of cloudy, 70-degree days here in New York, and I for one am totally over it. All I want to do is sit on the couch wrapped in a quilt and watch The Wire while intermittently stuffing my face into a cheesy baked pumpkin. *SIGH*.

In the Meantime, Please Enjoy This Wreck!

2008-10-15T13:53:00.003-04:00

[Image via Cake Wrecks]

It just kills me. Every. Time.

Happy Birthday, Duncan! You Too, Kat

2008-09-24T09:48:00.002-04:00

Sadly, I didn't get a talking cake for my birthday [*SIGH*], but this red velvet one Adam and Marie brought from Brown Betty in Philadelphia was okay. I GUESS.

And by "okay" I mean delicious. And by "I GUESS" I mean I DIED from the deliciousness.

Obscenely Easy White Pizza

2008-09-22T10:40:00.008-04:00

I know you’re probably sick of my pizza recipes. I know. But what can I say? The Easy Whole Wheat Pizza Dough, she just keeps on giving! This particular cheese/bread combo has been a Sunday night go-to for several weeks now, and it seems to go equally well with pinot noir, pinot gris, and Tecate. It’s also super easy, and all of the ingredients can be purchased at even our crapshoot of a local grocery store (It’s called Bravo, but one day I’m going to start calling it “Booooo!”).

The first time I made this, I topped it with slivered basil BEFORE putting it in the oven. Bad idea. As you can see from the photo, it shriveled up to almost nothing, which I probably could’ve predicted if I wasn’t dying of hunger at the time. Anyway, last night we sprinkled the basil on just after the pizza came out of the oven, and it was perfection.

Now go on then, pick or whip yourself up a pizza crust, get your mozzarella shred on.

Obscenely Easy White Pizza

Makes two 12-inch pizzas or one 13- x 16-inch pizza.

1 recipe Easy Whole Wheat Pizza Dough
4 cloves garlic, sliced thin
8 oz. mozzarella, shredded
2 oz. goat cheese
2 roma tomatoes, thinly sliced
1 handful fresh basil, slivered

The prep on this is seriously so easy that I almost feel like a tool even typing it out. But anyway. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.

When the crust is risen and ready, sprinkle the shredded mozzarella all over in an even layer. Follow with nickel-sized glops of goat cheese, then the sliced garlic, and finally, the tomato slices.

Place the pizza in the center of the oven and bake for 10 minutes. Once the crust is brown and lovely and the cheeses are melted, remove from oven and top with the slivered basil. I also find that this pizza benefits from some fresh black pepper and a drizzling of olive oil.

Basic Brioche

2008-09-22T09:50:00.011-04:00

Marie Antoinette, likely brioche enthusiast

Making these brioche for the first time sparked a fun little history lesson at our house. While comparing recipes, I read a couple articles that suggested Marie Antoinette's famous "let them eat cake" quote was more likely "let them eat brioche."

I was relating this to My Dude when he stopped me. "Actually, it was probably Marie Antoinette's mother who said that. She was Austrian. So was Marie Antoinette. And so is the brioche."

A little further internet research (i.e., Wikipedia and The Straight Dope) reveals that no one really knows who said the line in question, what kind of pastry they were referring to, or whether or not they meant it in a bitchy way or whatever. What we do know is this:

Jacques Pepin totally owns everyone when it comes to French pastry
I totally own everyone when it comes to slavishly following a recipe
After much consideration, I used Msr. Pepin's recipe

Ergo, my brioche was bangin'.

To wit:

It got even better when I looked inside:

So airy and buttery! We ate them with my future bro-in-law's homemade jam, but next time I think I'll make them a bit bigger so we can use them as burger buns. I think Marie (and her mom) would approve.

Best Bread in NYC?

2008-09-10T10:10:00.005-04:00

Since I haven't yet summoned up the nerve to tackle Julia Child's 15-page baguette recipe, when I'm craving an apple and brie sandwich I usually head to Amy's Bread on Bleecker and buy a loaf for $2 or so. It's close to where I work, the quality of the bread is excellent, and if I have a little extra time I can swing into Murray's Cheese while I'm at it. But in classic Carrie Bradshaw, gal-in-the-city fashion, I can't help but wonder: what am I missing? Should I be getting out there and seeing other baguettes?

Anyone care to set me up on a blind date with a new bakery?

Aw, HELL Yeah!

2008-09-08T16:28:00.005-04:00

[In my head, I hear Will Smith saying the title of this post.]

Tiny pies! I knew it could be done! The cupcake's reign of tyranny has officially ended. I am SO making these.

Don't stop the rockin', Not Martha.

Caramelized Onion, Rosemary & Gorgonzola Pizza

2008-09-06T13:45:00.006-04:00

I owe this one to Adam Roberts at The Amateur Gourmet, who owes it to Alice Waters. I came across the recipe when I was having a craving and entered "caramelized onions" into the Food Blog search engine. It takes about an hour and a half from start to finish, but only about 15 minutes of that is active, so it's a great pizza to make while you're, say, watching the U.S. Open -- you can leave the onions and dough to do their thing for a couple games and check on them when John McEnroe's banter gets tiresome.

Caramelized Onion, Rosemary & Gorgonzola Pizza

2 Tbsp. unsalted butter
2 Tbsp. olive oil
Four red onions
1/4 lb. Gorgonzola cheese
1 Tbsp. chopped fresh rosemary
Salt and pepper

Rising dough

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees and move one of the racks to the center of the oven. For the crust, I used the reliable Easy Whole Wheat Pizza Dough.

The caramelized onions will look something like this.

While the dough was rising in its bowl, I chopped up the onions and put them in a pan with butter and olive oil over low heat, uncovered. Season with a bit of salt and pepper. You don't need to stir them much, maybe every ten minutes or so. You'll know they're done when they're tender, brown, and sweet. It can take anywhere between an hour and an hour and a half but don't rush it! They won't properly caramelize and you will die of shame and regret. I've seen it happen.

The pizza, just before baking

Once the dough is shaped and has properly risen, spread on the onions, followed by quarter-sized gobs of Gorgonzola, about 2 inches apart. With this pizza, there IS such a thing as too much cheese. Follow with a sprinkling of fresh rosemary and sling it in the oven for ten minutes.

It's just the right combination of sweet and savory, just like pretzels and chocolate and Donny and Marie.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2008-09-05T15:13:00.003-04:00

Every now and then I gotta veer off topic and post something that I'm just obsessed with. This is one of those times:

That Samantha Bee, she's sugar to my soul.

Cupcakes: So Last Season?

2008-09-05T09:22:00.005-04:00

Sprinkles are the new leggings.

This just in from The New York Times City Room blog: the cupcake trend is on the outs. The market is over-saturated, and in light of the obesity epidemic, sweets of all kinds are coming under fire by parents and schools.

If it's true, it wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing in the world. In the area where I work in downtown Manhattan, you cannot swing a dead cat without hitting a fairy cake piled high with buttercream, and it would be nice to see a little more diversity in bakeries. Sure, they're conveniently sized, but so are brioche and croissants and cookies -- hey, why not individual tarts or pies at the next office party? Something a little less...precious?

The point I'm getting at is that cupcakes are great, but there are so many other exciting things that can be done with flour, sugar, and butter. Why so many shops devoted to just one item? If I can figure this out, I will have also solved the mystery of the tangy fro-yo phenomenon.

My Omnivorous Hundred

2008-09-04T14:59:00.003-04:00

Not explicitly baking-related, but a fun exercise nonetheless: The British blog Very Good Taste has made a list of the 100 foods every self-proclaimed omnivore should try at some point in their life. Food bloggers are encourage to copy the list to their blogs, bold the items they have tried, and strike the items they will not consider trying. Here's mine...

Venison
Nettle tea
Huevos rancheros
Steak tartare
Crocodile
Black pudding
Cheese fondue
Carp
Borscht
Baba ghanoush
Calamari
Pho
PB&J sandwich
Aloo gobi
Hot dog from a street cart
Epoisses
Black truffle
Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
Steamed pork buns
Pistachio ice cream
Heirloom tomatoes
Fresh wild berries
Foie gras
Rice and beans
Brawn, or head cheese
Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
Dulce de leche
Oysters
Baklava
Bagna cauda
Wasabi peas
Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
Salted lassi
Sauerkraut
Root beer float
Cognac with a fat cigar
Clotted cream tea
Vodka jelly/Jell-O
Gumbo
Oxtail
Curried goat
~~Whole insects~~
Phaal
Goat’s milk
Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
~~Fugu~~
Chicken tikka masala
Eel
Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
Sea urchin
Prickly pear
Umeboshi
Abalone
Paneer
~~McDonald’s Big Mac Meal~~
Spaetzle
Dirty gin martini
Beer above 8% ABV
Poutine
Carob chips
S’mores
Sweetbreads
Kaolin
Currywurst
Durian
Frogs’ leg
Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
Haggis
Fried plantain
Chitterlings, or andouillette
Gazpacho
Caviar and blini
Louche absinthe
Gjetost, or brunost [How have I not eaten this? It makes me want to cry - K]
~~Roadkill~~
Baijiu
Hostess Fruit Pie
Snail
Lapsang souchong
Bellini
Tom yum
Eggs Benedict
Pocky
Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
Kobe beef
Hare
Goulash
Flowers
Horse
Criollo chocolate
Spam
Soft shell crab
Rose harissa
Catfish
Mole poblano
Bagel and lox
Lobster Thermidor
Polenta
Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
Snake [Rattler. I'm sorry, I thought this was a pissing contest - K]

Any list of this nature it sure to draw criticism, e.g. "why x and not y, etc.," but it was fun going through it, remembering the first time I tried certain things, which became favorites (Aloo gobi! Heirloom tomatoes!) and which I haven't touched since (borscht). And although I can't see myself ever ordering my own portion of horse, I'd like to think that I'd try a forkful. Does that count?

Mmm, etc., etc.

2008-08-26T22:59:00.011-04:00

Have you ever done a Google Image search for "mmm doughnuts"? Here, try it. I'll wait. Hmm hmm hmm, la la la. You back? Now I ask you, how badly do you want a doughnut right now? Pretty badly, right? That is how I feel pretty much nonstop throughout the months of September through November. I want, no, I NEED doughnuts on a daily basis. With fresh apple cider. Served hot. With a cinnamon stick.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite places to go when the air got brisk was Uncle John's Cider Mill in St. Johns, Michigan. For years afterward, no doughnut has ever compared to the memory I had of the ones at Uncle John's -- even the phenomenal lavender doughnuts at The Doughnut Plant left me strangely unfulfilled. So last fall, during one of my trips home, I insisted on heading out to St. Johns to fill the void.

The first thing I noticed was that the cider mill has become a rougher place in recent years.

The second thing I noticed was even more devastating. The doughnuts? Not that good. There! I said it! Are you happy? They were dense, over-sugared (yes, it's possible), and worst of all, stale.

What was I to do? My cinnamon-sugar doughnut craving had now ballooned to the size of an aging Hell's Angel's stomach, and if I didn't do something to feed it, I would die. Die from an acute lack of doughnuts. Like any self-respecting amateur baker, I turned to the Internet. I wasn't terribly optimistic, since most doughnut recipes call for a deep fryer, and while we don't suffer for kitchen space as badly as most New Yorkers, we still keep things fairly minimal. Luckily, the brilliant Heidi Swanson at 101 Cookbooks had just what I needed (just what I needed!): a recipe that delivers light, fluffy, yet satisfyingly chewy baked -- yes, baked! -- doughnuts.

A word to the wise: I tried experimenting by rolling these in powdered sugar, and had a lot of trouble getting it to adhere. The regular sugar/cinnamon combo worked beautifully, and I bet glazing them would, too.

Baked Doughnuts

From Heidi Swanson at 101 Cookbooks.
Makes 1 1/2 - 2 dozen medium doughnuts, plus holes

1 1/3 cups warm milk, 95 to 105 degrees (divided)
1 packet active dry yeast (2 1/4 teaspoons)
2 tablespoons butter
2/3 cup sugar
2 eggs
5 cups all-purpose flour
A pinch or two of nutmeg, freshly grated
1 teaspoon fine grain sea salt (Kat sez: I used kosher)

For the sugar dusting:

1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon

Tools:

Parchment paper
Baking sheet
Doughnut cutter OR two biscuit cutters, 1" and 3"

Place 1/3 cup of the warm milk in the bowl of an electric mixer. Stir in the yeast and set aside for five minutes or so. Be sure your milk isn't too hot or it will kill the yeast. Stir the butter and sugar into the remaining cup of warm milk and add it to the yeast mixture. With a fork, stir in the eggs, flour, nutmeg, and salt - just until the flour is incorporated. With the dough hook attachment of your mixer beat the dough for a few minutes at medium speed. If your dough is overly sticky, add flour a few tablespoons at a time. Too dry? Add more milk a bit at a time. You want the dough to pull away from the sides of the mixing bowl and eventually become supple and smooth. Turn it out onto a floured counter-top, knead a few times (the dough should be barely sticky), and shape into a ball.

Transfer the dough to a buttered (or oiled) bowl, cover, put in a warm place (the top of a preheating oven works well), and let rise for an hour or until the dough has roughly doubled in size.

Punch down the dough and roll it out 1/2-inch thick on your floured countertop. Use the cutter(s) stamp out circles. Transfer the circles to a parchment-lined baking sheet and stamp out the smaller inner circles using a smaller cutter. If you cut the inner holes out any earlier, they become distorted when you attempt to move them. Cover with a clean cloth and let rise for another 45 minutes. (Kat sez: I saved the inner circles and let them rise/bake along with the big guys -- why waste a doughnut hole?)

Bake in a 375 degree oven until the bottoms are just golden, 8 to 10 minutes - start checking around 8. If you're unsure, err on the side of underbaking. While the doughnuts are baking, place the butter in a medium bowl. Place the sugar and cinnamon in a separate bowl.

Remove the doughnuts from the oven and let cool for just a minute or two. Dip each one in the melted butter and a quick toss in the sugar bowl. Eat!

Kinda Healthy-ish Chocolate Chip Snacking Cookies

2008-08-26T22:54:00.009-04:00

Sometimes I'm in the mood to eat a lot of little things, instead of one big thing, you know? Well, obviously somebody out there knows what I mean -- how else can you explain the success of White Castle? Is it healthier to eat ten little hamburgers rather than one enormous one? Debatable. Is it more fun? Unequivocally, yes.

Hence, the allure of the "snacking" cookie. It's not a full-fledged dessert, I tell myself, it's just a wee snack. When I first started making mini-cookies, I just used my grandmother's (cough, Tollhouse, cough) recipe, until one evening, when I was on my second handful and realized that it might be worth trying to make them just a touch healthier.

Don't get me wrong, these are not health food. As a general rule, I like to let a cookie be a cookie, which means that it's sugary and buttery and altogether fabulous. This cookie is not ooey-gooey decadent, but it does crisp up nicely, and the natural sugar gives it an almost spicy flavor. The fact that it also has a bit less saturated fat and less refined sugar and flour is just an added bonus.

Kinda Healthy-ish Chocolate Chip Snacking Cookies

NOTE: I don't have a food processor (if destiny has a heart, one day...), but a trusty spatula works just fine for this batter.

1 1/4 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
3 tbsp. unsweetened applesauce
1 cup Florida Crystals or other unrefined sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
4 egg whites
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup miniature chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees, and place one rack in the middle of the oven. Have a baking sheet at the ready.

Whisk together the flours, salt, and baking soda. Set aside.

In a large bowl, beat the butter, applesauce, and sugars until light and fluffy. It might look a bit more liquid than you're used to, but trust me, it'll all be okay. Beat in the egg whites and vanilla, scraping down the sides as you go. Add the reserved flour mix in three increments, making each new addition when the previous one is just incorporated. Fold in the chocolate chips until evenly distributed.

Drop by teaspoons onto the cookie sheet, one to two inches apart (after all, they don't get too big) and bake for 9-10 minutes, until edges are barely golden. Cool on racks.

Makes about 90 mini-cookies, roughly 24 modest servings.

Cake-tathalon

2008-08-25T22:26:00.007-04:00

This is what the inside of my brain looks like.

My Dude and I got engaged recently, and we decided that the easiest thing to do would be to have the wedding 600 miles from where we actually live. This means that the amount of time we have to meet and speak with photographers, florists, etc., must be limited to one short, jam-packed visit. Well folks, I have just returned from said visit, and I'm pretty sure I have wedding coming out of every orifice. Forreals, I am still yanking the tulle out of my ears.

Luckily, there was a big pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow, my saving grace after four exhausting days: the cake tasting. Confection bakery of Kalamazoo, I owe you my life. I do not think I would have had the strength to go on had you not provided me with no fewer than six kinds of cake, six frostings, and four fillings to sample, in various combinations.

Honey buttercream: this must be what angel poo tastes like

As you would expect, choosing my wedding cake is not a decision that I take lightly. In fact, I trained for weeks for this event so that I would be at the top of my cake-eating game. I was bench-pressing cupcakes, doing laps in a vat of ganache; it was a very demanding regimen.

At the end of the race, we had a three-way tie between the banana cake, the hazelnut with amaretto frosting, and honey-lavender cake with honey buttercream. After running through the play-by-play, my dude and I are pretty settled on the winner. And the prize is an all expense paid trip to my belly.

How to Choose?

2008-08-14T10:35:00.003-04:00

Who is more reliable? This baker:

Or this baker:

There has been much talk of brioche at our house lately, and by "much talk" I mean I brought it up once or twice. This is opposed to never, which is how often we used to talk about brioche. As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I'm very eager to dive in to the gibassier recipe I managed to track down, but the idea made My Dude a little nervous. "Maybe you should try a basic brioche first, before you go throwing down a bunch of money for orange blossom water, whatever that is."

After I took a few minutes to grumble about how he had absolutely no faith in my abilities, I had to concede the point. If I blow it, I'll certainly be glad that I didn't drop a pantload of money on orange blossom water (whatever that is), and if I succeed in making excellent brioche, well, who doesn't like to have some extra brioche around the house?

Ordinarily I would just flip open my copy of How to Bake and get to it, but then I noticed Jacques Pepin's Complete Techniques sitting on the shelf. When I compared the two recipes, I noticed a significant difference: while Nick Malgieri's recipe calls for a sponge or "preferment," Jacques's does not. So whom am I to side with here? The Italian-American baker who has yet to steer me wrong, or one of the most-respected French chefs alive today?

Ugh. I feel like the little kid in "Kramer vs. Kramer." Except that neither Nick nor Jacques know that I'm alive. But other than that? Exactly the same situation.

My fellow bakers, what would you do?

As If You Needed Another Reason to Bake

2008-08-08T11:55:00.004-04:00

Hiring a "professional" to provide the baked goods for your special event is no guarantee. I'm not saying I'm the greatest baker out there, but I'd like to think that if I were running the cake decorating department at Kroger or whatever, I'd at least raise the standards to include functional literacy.

Comprehension gaps, hideous frostings, and terrifyingly lifelike cake babies (and more!) at the hilarous Cake Wrecks.

Whole Wheat Flatbread with Pesto, Potatoes and Farmer's Cheese

2008-08-05T09:22:00.018-04:00

How big of an idiot am I? I achieved what was probably the height of my culinary career, and I did not take one. Single. Photo. Actually, it's more accurate to say that if I had taken two minutes to locate my camera, our party guests would've devoured the whole thing, and damned if I wasn't going to grab myself a slice. My dear friend Sarah was able to capture the moment when I stuffed it into my face before throwing down her camera and storming the food table herself.

This amazing flatbread/pizza is yet another treat inspired by our recent trip to Portland, OR. My brother-in-law to be was kind enough to take us to Clyde Common for lunch, and My Dude and I loved it so much that we went back the very next day. I had their vegetarian flatbread both times, because I was determined to re-create it for our engagement party. On our first visit, I let myself get lost in the restaurant's laid-back vibe, my cold glass of wine, and my light yet comforting meal. On the second visit, however, I covertly lifted away each layer and discovered just how easy it really was: pesto, thinly-sliced fingerling potatoes, and lumps of fresh farmer's cheese, placed under the broiler until golden.

My favorite thing about this recipe is that it satisfies a pizza craving while still being light and fresh enough to serve on the muggiest, most oppressive days of a New York summer, those days when the very thought of stepping into the un-air-conditioned slice joint on the corner makes me melt into a puddle of sweat and Clinique City Block.

I've posted the full recipe after the jump, but you could easily cut a few corners by using a pre-made pizza dough or crust and a decent jarred pesto and it would still turn out great. To be honest, the pesto is more My Dude's territory, so I think I'll have him write up his recipe in a subsequent entry. Anyway, without further ado...

Whole Wheat Flatbread with Pesto, Potatoes and Farmer's Cheese

Makes two 12-inch pizzas or one 13- x 16-inch pizza.

One recipe Easy Whole Wheat Pizza Dough (see below)
1/2 cup olive oil
5 or 6 large fingerling potatoes
1/2 cup pesto, jarred or homemade
1/4 lb very mild, soft farmer's cheese (I used Westfield Farm Capri from Murray's)
4 leeks, green parts only, sliced diagonally

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.

Prepare and par-bake the crust in the center of the oven, about 9 minutes. Let it cool off a little on the baking sheet.

Peel the potatoes and slice them paper-thin, or as thin as you can reasonably get them without slicing off a finger. Heat about 1/4-inch of olive oil in a skillet on medium-low. Add potatoes and cook until tender, turning occasionally. If you notice the edges starting to crisp, turn down the heat. Drain the potatoes on paper towels.

Spread the pesto evenly over the crust in a thin layer. Top with another even layer of potatoes, followed by nickel-sized lumps of cheese.

Turn the broiler to low (if you have the option) and let it heat up. Place the pizza directly under the heat source and broil until the top of the cheese lumps are a nice, golden brown. Depending on the stregth of your oven, it should be about 5-10 minutes, but WATCH CLOSELY. This thing can go from zero to charred in no time.

Top with the leek and serve. But maybe grab yourself a slice first.

Easy Whole Wheat Pizza Dough

Adapted from Nick Malgieri's How to Bake

1 1/2 cups white unbleached all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup warm tap water
1 envelope (2 1/2 teaspoons) active dry yeast
3 tablespoons olive oil

Combine the flour and salt in a large bowl and mix well. In a separate bowl, whisk the yeast into the water, followed by two tablespoons of olive oil.

Make a well in the center of the flour and salt mixture. Pour the liquid into the center of the well and stir with a fork all the flour is incorporated and a soft, sticky dough forms. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let it rise until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour.

Grease a cookie sheet with the remaining tablespoon of oil. Without stirring or folding the dough, use a rubber spatula to scrape it from the bowl onto the oiled sheet. Oil your hands and press, pull, and pat the dough into the pan. If it starts to get stiff and resist, let it rest for a few minutes before continuing. Let the dough rise in the pan uncovered until it starts to puff up slightly, about 30 minutes.

Apricot and Pistachio Tart

2008-08-01T10:17:00.024-04:00

Folks, if you want to impress the holy hell out of your future mother-in-law, run, don't walk, to your local fruit stand, buy some apricots, and make this tart. This picture doesn't do it justice, so please don't let my high school photography skills deter you.

In our little household, my dude holds the title of alpha chef, since he has a superhuman palate and claims to be able to tell the difference between varieties of bottled water (Him: "Volvic is more mineral-y. You don't taste that?" Me: "Um.") -- it's like if Jeffery Steingarten and Ruth Reichl had a love child, is all I'm saying. For this reason, when we have guests for dinner I generally leave the menu to him, except for dessert, which I guard with a jealous fury. So when we cooked our first-ever dinner for his parents, I went into compulsive baker overdrive.

Stone fruits have been stunning this season here in New York, so I decided to go from there. Since I don't even buy flour without consulting Nick Malgieri first, I opened up How to Bake, and there it was: an Apricot and Pistachio Tart.

This was only the second tart I've ever made, and the first ever sweet one. I was a little apprehensive, since the first tart I made went largely untouched -- although I think that's because I made it for the Fourth of July, and everyone was drunk and full of hot dogs by the time I served it. But still, that kind of rejection sticks with you. It also didn't help that when I expressed my nervousness to my future mother-in-law, she waved her hand and said, "oh, tarts are easy." Which I read as: "...so if you can't even get this right, you're a class-A dumbass. And a slut."

When I pulled the tart out of the oven, the edges of the apricot halves were lightly browned, and the filling was puffy and golden. Everyone was silent as they dug in their forks and took their first bite.

"Wow." Said my future father-in-law.

"Can I have the recipe?" Said my future mother-in-law.

Victory! [Said like Entourage's Johnny Drama in his "Viking Quest" costume]

Apricot and Pistachio Tart

From Nick Malgieri's How to Bake

Makes one 9- to 10-inch tart, 8 to 10 servings

One recipe Sweet Tart Dough

For the filling:

1 cup (about 4 oz.) shelled unsalted pistachios
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon almond extract
2 eggs
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
12 medium (2 to 2 1/2 lbs.) apricots, washed, halved and pitted

For the glaze:

1 cup apricot preserves or jam (Kat sez: try to find preserves with little to no added sugar; the apricots pack plenty of sweetness on their own)
2 tablespoons water or white rum

Prepare and chill the dough.

To remove the annoying skins from the pistachios, place them in a saucepan and cover with water. Bring the water to a boil. Drain the pistachios and place them on a clean kitchen towel. Fold the towel over the pistachios and give them a good rub; this should help to loosen the skins and make it easier to pick 'em off.

Coarsely chop 1/4 cup of the pistachios and set aside for finishing the tart. Dump the rest into a food processor, along with the sugar, and pulse until the mixture is finely ground (about 1 minute). Add the almond extract and one of the eggs and continue to pulse until the mixture becomes a smooth paste. Cut the butter into 8 or so small pieces, and add to the work bowl, pulsing a few times after each addition. Continue to pulse until the butter is smoothly mixed with the nut mixture. Add the remaining egg and pulse until smooth. Allow the machine to run continuously for 30 seconds and scrape down the inside of the bowl. Add the flour and pulse until just incorporated. Set aside, covered.

Set a rack at the lowest level of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees.

Roll out the dough and line the pan.

Spread the pistachio filling on the dough. If you have a circular tart pan, arrange the apricots, cut side up, in 2 or 3 concentric circles. (I have a square tart pan, so I placed them in evenly-spaced rows.)

Bake the tart for about 35 minutes, until the crust and filling are baked through and the apricots are cooked. Cool the tart on a rack.

To make the glaze, bring the preserves and water or rum to a boil, and reduce until it gets thick and syrupy. Strain out the pulpy bits. Brush the hot glaze over the surface of the cooled tart. Sprinkle the reserved 1/4 cup chopped pistachios around the edges.

Unmold tart. Impress the holy hell out of future mother-in-law.

Sweet Tart Dough

8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened)
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 egg yolk
1 1/4 cup bleached all-purpose flour

Combine butter and sugar in a mixing bowl and beat on medium speed for 5 minutes, until the mixture is soft, fluffy, and almost white in color.

Beat in the vanilla and the egg yolk and continue beating for another two minutes, until the mixture is soft and smooth and resembles buttercream.

Place the flour in a strainer of sifter and sift it, all at once, over butter mixture. Using a rubber spatula, fold the flour into the butter mixture until no traces of flour remain visible.

Shape the dough into a rough 12-inch disk, about 1/4 inch thick and cover in plastic wrap. Refrigerate the dough.

To use the dough, fold it in half and line the long edge up against the interior diameter of the pan. Unfold. Gently press - using the palm of your hands and fingertips - the dough against the interior surfaces of the pan.

To finish the top edge of the tart shell, position your floured thumb and index finger of one hand so that the thumb and index finger of one hand so that the thumb is inside the pastry and the tip is against the bottom of the crust. The tip of your index finger should rest against the top edge of the crust. Press gently with both thumb and finger to make the top of the crust straight and even.

If possible, chill until the crust is firm. This will minimize shrinkage. Bake according to the instructions in individual recipes.

Gibassier

2008-07-30T11:14:00.004-04:00

I owe it all to Pearl Bakery in downtown Portland, Oregon. As soon as I walked through the doors of this open, airy space, saw its brick ovens and its piles and piles of crusty loaves, I thought to myself, So THIS is the meaning of life.

I've been baking for as long as I've been allowed to use an oven. It started with brownies from a box and Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies, then I gradually progressed to cakes and muffins, then bread and pies. The methodical nature of it appeals to me; mix some of this with a bit of that, heat it up this much for that long, and suddenly your house smells mother-loving amazing.

The best amateur chefs I know are instinctive, quick on their feet, and resourceful. Unfortunately, I am none of these things, at least when if comes to food. I like to make lists, I like check off tasks. If it weren't for recipes, I'd eat cold cereal or takeout pad thai every night. Fortunately, baking rewards rigidity. If you add even a teaspoon too much water to your pie crust, your whole kitchen will explode. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Anyway, being in Pearl Bakery reminded me of something I had forgotten during my years of outsource-everything New York City. Some people actually get PAID to bake. I know! They're these people called "bakers"! Forrealsies!

I was dying to try the walnut levain, but then my guy spied the gibassier, brioche dough flavored with orange peel, anise seeds, and orange blossom water and sprinkled with sugar. Now, I know some people claim to be anise-averse, but that's just because they've lived their lives under a cloak of ignorance. When used properly, anise can give otherwise plain cookies and breads a lightly spicy, festive taste. It also reminds me of sausage, which is always a plus.

Tragically, I don't have a photo of the gibassier we tried, but in the near future I think I'm going to challenge myself to recreate them using this recipe. Come along on this journey of obsessive adherence to instructions, won't you?

But First...

2008-07-29T09:57:00.002-04:00

Does moving the focus of this blog mean that I can't play videos of drag queen Pussycat Doll tribute bands? Because if playing videos of drag queen Pussycat Doll tribute bands is wrong, well...

A Half-Baked (har har) Idea?

2008-07-28T15:05:00.002-04:00

I'm thinking of taking a new direction with this blog. I knew when I started this thing that I'd eventually settle on some sort of a theme, and since I like to save the the tales of paranoia and deep-seated family resentment for my Punky Brewster fan fiction, I've decided to devote this space to my other passion: baking.

Specifically bread. And pies. And cookies. Ooh, and I have been getting into tarts lately. (That's what SHE said!)

Tomorrow I'll share with you the exact time and place that inspired the new direction, but until then I invite you to break through the crusty outside and sink your teeth into the soft fluffy middle of this title...

Kat Bakes.

As if the Zombie Apocalypse Wasn't Enough to Worry About

2008-05-29T09:52:00.001-04:00

Now we have monkeys with telekinetic powers. Great.

Pancaaaaaakes!

2008-05-27T14:27:00.003-04:00

I am totally that girl who sits through horror films with her hands clamped over her eyes, peeking out periodically to see if it's over yet. Even Candyman scared me. So needless to say, I am not a big Eli Roth fan. Or I should say, WASN'T a big Eli Roth fan, until I stumbled across this scene from Cabin Fever:

Please tell me that kid is in the Hostel series, because I am about to run, not walk, to purchase the entire Roth ouvre.

I Would Prefer That You NOT Write Me a Love Song, Thx

2008-05-21T16:07:00.003-04:00

Who is this Sara Bareilles person, and why is her song playing everywhere I go? For the longest time I had her confused with Colby Caillat, who was all up in my face for a while and now seems to have gone away, despite occasional appearances on the music video channel on those little TVs on the treadmills at my gym. But Sara Bareilles! At the liquor store, Whole Foods, the crappy deli – she just won’t quit! I would understand if I was at American Eagle or something, but the liquor store that makes 70% of its profits selling nips for $3 apiece? It’s not right.

Shout Out to Maximus in Merrick!

2008-05-08T14:14:00.006-04:00

I love going to Long Island and New Jersey. It looks pretty much the same as the Midwestern town where I grew up -- strip malls, cookie-cutter houses, thinly-veiled despair -- but in other ways, it's like a foreign country. A very loud, velvet track suited country. In this video, John Roberts salutes all the ladies who keep the NYC tri-state area classy:

YouTube, via Jezebel

O, No

2008-05-07T11:08:00.003-04:00

So, I got out of work early on Friday, and I was lucky enough to catch part one of Oprah’s two-part interview with Tom Cruise. Okay, obviously, there were a whole lot of dynamics going on there that I cannot even begin to address, but man oh man, what a festival of self-congratulation it was. Even more so than Oprah’s average celebrity interview/circle jerk.

My absolute favorite part was at the end, where Tom drove Oprah on one of his snowmobiles to some picturesque spot overlooking the rest of his property, and they’re standing there with their arms around each other, looking at the mountains, and Oprah turns to Tom and says: “You know what I wish? I wish for you the peace that this mountain can bring.” Tom closes his eyes and nods. “I wish this for you. I really do," she repeats.

Um, he already has it. You’re at HIS HOUSE. That is HIS MOUNTAIN you're standin on. I think even the authors of The Secret would be like, Lady, that’s some pop-psych bullshit.

So reader: those pants? The ones that you’re wearing? I want those for you. And if you are not wearing pants? That freedom you feel? I want that for you. I am just. That. Generous.

"With your flip-flops, half-shirt, short shorts, miniskirt…"*

2008-05-05T21:10:00.004-04:00

I’m not going to lie: back in their heyday, I was a New Kids on the Block fan. It was 1988, and as a nine-year-old girl, I was their target demographic. When I confided my musical preferences to my 17-year-old babysitter, she gagged herself with a spoon, then promptly popped a Smiths tape into the stereo of her Buick and played it over and over until I forgot all about Little Joe’s angelic voice.

But I didn’t forget, Cathy. Not really. I just buried it, along with all the words to “Cover Girl” and every step to the “Right Stuff” dance routine. (You know: kick left, kick right, left-right-left, oh-oh-ohoh) Until now.

Okay, so it’s basically a warmed-over version of LFO’s “Summer Girls”-- wow, can I just stop and ponder the tragedy in implying LFO as some kind of benchmark for anything? Besides skankiness? -- but it’s good to see them all out there, right? And who would’ve predicted that Danny would age so well? This bodes well for the entire summer.

*Redundant? Or just really 80's? I can't decide.

I Love New York, But...

2008-05-05T15:15:00.002-04:00

Every now and then, very rarely, I miss home. I'm not talking about my family and old friends, who I miss all the time, or my rusty smudge of a hometown (which I never miss), but the little pockets of sensory experience that let me know that I'm safe, that I'm home.

The cold air wafting in from the garage when my father went out to gather logs for a fire.

The brackish taste of well water ice cubes melting in a glass of coke at my grandmother's lakefront cottage.

The smell of the black vinyl seats in Dad's '78 Datsun 280Z.

Vernor's ginger ale.

Vegetable thins topped with Spartan brand mild cheddar cheese, served on a white paper plate.

The cluttered mess of my mother's makeup drawer, smelling of talc and pencil shavings.

Snow.

Wherein I Let a 12-Year-Old Boy Write My Blog

2008-04-30T13:53:00.003-04:00

Hahahaha. Bwahahaha.

Teeheehee.

Anything Is Possible

2008-04-11T16:12:00.005-04:00

This photo makes me feel like anything is possible: a safe and effective exit strategy in Iraq, a free Tibet, an agreement over Kosovo, lower fuel costs, hassle-free air travel, and single-payer health care. This photo can fold your laundry, do your taxes, write your grandmother a thank-you note, buy toilet paper, re-work your resume, alphabetize your DVD collection, clean the top of the refrigerator, and quiet your noisy neighbors. It is just that powerful. The only thing it can't do is tell me how the fuck I can get a baby panda to sit on my lap. Want.

I [Maple Leaf] Canada

2008-03-17T11:37:00.004-04:00

I grew up a little under two hours away from Canada, and lived about a half-hour away during college. I've been to Ontario many times on school trips, and always found it to be a very clean, and above all friendly place. And when a native Midwesterner thinks, "Wow, folks sure are nice here!" you can damn well bet that you're dealing with some exceptionally friendly people.

And why shouldn't they be? They have universal healthcare, they can legally drink at age 19, and with the exception of Jim Carey, they gave rise to some of the finest comedians of the 20th Century. The only faults I can find with Canada are their accents, the comic strip "For Better or for Worse," and the fact that their quarters don't fit in our parking meters. I was going to add Celine Dion to that list, but you know what? After reading this article about Canada providing sactuary for Iraq war resisters, I'm not even going to mention her. You're welcome, Canada.

Self-Pity in Verse

2008-03-15T15:33:00.002-04:00

Green shoots break through the soil and
the smell of the moist earth fills my nose

He says he'll go for a bike ride today
down to the harbor where across the water
you can almost see the skyscrapers
swaying

And I
And I
And I
Hate his guts

The library can bite me.

What I Imagine It's Like Working at Star Magazine

2008-03-14T12:24:00.007-04:00

Is it just me, or does Ashley Alexadra Dupre, a.k.a. "Kristen" look an awful lot like Sarah from Top Model Cycle 5? Check It:

"Kristen"

Sarah

Same nose, right? Star Magazine: call me! If this isn't worthy of a sidebar, I don't know what is.

Best of the Day

2008-03-11T11:32:00.002-04:00

Spitzer? But I Don't Even Know 'Er!

That's pretty much all I have to say about that.

Super Tuesday Part Two: Electoral Boogaloo

2008-03-04T16:03:00.002-05:00

Is the title too much? I think it might be too much. Eh, whatevs. It's a blog.

So! Theoretically, today could be the day that decides the Democratic party nomination, and I'm afraid I have to admit that I'm just as ambivalent as ever. Issues of identity politics aside, both Clinton and Obama are such a far cry from my one true love, Dennis Kucinich. You can call me crazy, but it's you who's crazy! Crazy with guilt for abandoning every idealistic wish you ever uttered in your dorm's study lounge!

By the time my primary rolled around, my beloved little elf had danced into the mist, so it was down to Hills and Barry, just as today. Up until now I've managed to avoid telling people who I voted for by telling them I voted for McCain, and watching hilarity ensue. Oh, New York City residents! So delightfully predictable! No one even attempts to mask their horror. And that's exactly why I moved here -- for stability.

Liveblogging My Thesis

2008-03-01T14:42:00.002-05:00

2:14: Six hundred words in two hours. I rule.
2:15: I need a Diet Dr. Pepper.
2:19: Those gnocchi I made last night were amazing. I should’ve taken a picture.
3:03: Dammit! Why are all of my sources in French? And why can't I understand any of them? I took French for seven years.
3:05: I can finally admit that I deserved that B-minus in French 231.
3:17: Apparently it's snowing. And I'm in a library basement.
3:39: Pretzels?
3:41: Pretzels.
4:23: Christian was totally robbed in the denim challenge. Just sayin's all.

The Tracks of My Tears

2008-02-29T15:07:00.003-05:00

There's nothing I hate more than an indigent blogger. Really. And I also hate it when bloggers make excuses for not writing more frequently, like how they have so much "stuff" going on and whatever. So I'm not going to do that.

Ahem.

Yesterday, the Washington Post's tattooed, vegan, celebrity gossip blogger Liz Kelly began her live chat by asking herself: "If I didn't have to pay and I knew that they would be done by a good stylist, would I try hair extensions?"

I don't even have to think about this -- I would do it in one hot second. I've heard that it hurts, and that the braids can potentially pull your hair out, but oh my god what would I give to be able to throw my hair around as though I were auditioning for The Pussycat Dolls Present: Yet Another Excuse to Reference Boob Pads. I think it would give me the courage to finally try the hip-hop aerobics class at my gym.

Honorary Dermatologist

2008-01-04T10:29:00.000-05:00

This is going to sound crazy, but I’m just going to throw it out there. I have observed that if leave a pimple alone rather than incessantly picking at it, it actually goes away faster. Crazy, right? But TRUE. I’ll take my Nobel Prize now.

Crap I’m Bonkers About

2008-01-03T13:56:00.000-05:00

New year, new crap! Actually, all of this crap predates 2008, but I'm either just now catching on or am still obsessing months later:

The word “bonkers”! I’m up to about three uses per conversation. Try it!
Joshreads.com. I used to read the comics every day as a kid, all the way through high school (on actual paper – pre-Internet, kids!). Read Josh “Comics Curmudgeon” Fruhlinger’s blog and I promise you, Herb and Jamaal will never be the same again
My new slippers. Sometimes I put them on and pretend that I’m Kate Hudson circa 2004
Natasha Bedingfield’s “I Wanna Have Your Babies.” Never has the ticking of a biological clock sounded so damned catchy
Nigel Slater's easy bread recipe. I've been mucking around with the ubiquitous NY Times no-knead recipe, with fairly consistent, but uninspiring results. But THIS one -- this one made my dream of opening my own bakery (to be called "Yeasty's") feel within reach

Halloweak

2007-11-01T09:33:00.000-04:00

Thank god Halloween is over. I hate the crowds, I hate the rowdiness, and I hate the cheap, slutty outfits. I realize that this pretty much describes New York on every other day of the year, but believe me, on Halloween it’s actually worse. For starters, I definitely noticed a sharp uptick in the number of puddles of puke on my walk from the subway this morning. But I’m fine with it, as long as it means that the cashier at my local deli will not be dressed as a slutty pirate.

Now. Let’s proceed to the next holiday, shall we? It’s the one where I get to sit at home and stuff my face with starches.

Love Her

2007-10-24T11:57:00.000-04:00

How can you not love a lady who writes a recipe like this:

Start cooking those noodles, first dropping a bouillon cube into the noodle water. Brown the garlic, onion and crumbled beef in the oil. Add the flour, salt, paprika and mushrooms, stir, and let it cook five minutes while you light a cigarette and stare sullenly at the sink.

Also? She called it “Skid Road Stroganoff.” RIP, Peg Bracken. You are totally my deceased BFF of the day.

Love to Cook? You're Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't [Jezebel]
Peg Bracken, 'I Hate to Cook' Author, Dies at 89 [NYT]

One Less Way to Get Herpes

2007-10-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

Avoid a monkey attack.

Even if the offending monkey does not have herpes, do you really want your arm torn to shreds? By a monkey? Be smart, read the article.

Cirque du SO LAME. But not really!

2007-10-19T11:54:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I allowed my boyfriend talk me into something I swore I would never do. I have always judged it to be somewhat bizarre and frankly terrifying, but I want to be a good girlfriend, so I acquiesced and agreed to attend a performance of Cirque du Soleil. Also, my parents paid for the tickets, and when you’re pushing 30 and your parents offer you free stuff, you take it.

I guess I should explain my issues with “Le Cirque.” Basically, if there are two things in this world that make me extremely uneasy, they are clowns and French Canadians. The fear of clowns is hardly unique, so I don’t think I have to go too into depth here, but my issues with French Canadians have haunted me most of my life. Think about it: can you think of any Canooks Francais who are not super intense and a little bit self-important? Hello, Jack Kerouac? Celine Dion? CELINE DION?!

So it was not without a little trepidation that I entered the basketball arena in which we were to see “Saltimbanco,” a show that “explores the urban experience in all its myriad forms.” I can’t say that I immediately grasped the theme, but I can say that I nearly became incontinent when I found myself less than 10 yards from a troupe of what my father called “post-apocalyptic” clowns (although, owing to the number of crop tops sported by the male clowns, Gay Pride Parades also seem to be a strong influence on their look). We were in the second row, so I was deathly afraid that one of them would pull me out of the crowd for some “audience participation,” but thankfully they humiliated other people instead, including one poor guy who got his shirt stripped off (See?!) and thrown into the crowd. Since I do so delight in the suffering of others, I was having fun in spite of myself.

After that some acrobats come out and flung themselves through the air, which I did not appreciate as it made me very nervous, but I respected their strength nonetheless. I mean, I went indoor rock climbing once and almost wept from fright. So good on ya, acrobats. There were also a set of bald, musclebound twins that did handstands on each other’s necks. It was an impressive display of strength, but they were just so not into the choreography – when they had to raise and lower their arms in unison, you could see the disdain in their squinty eyes. Why you would join Cirque du Soleil if you aren’t willing to bring the flair is beyond me.

Even though I came in packing plenty of skepticism and irony, in the end those spunky French Canadians charmed the pants off me. If you ever have the opportunity to go, I highly recommend it. And to all the performers, thanks so much for putting on such a great show. Except for the clown who mimed drowning in his own shit. That was just altogether too French for me.

Thesis Meeting

2007-10-18T16:48:00.000-04:00

Famous Prof: You really have to decide on your thesis topic.

Me: Um…I loved your book.

FP: Thanks. But you still need a topic.

M: Doesn’t that Dave Eggers just get on your last nerve?

FP: Yes. But still, topic.

Me: Great, so I’ll forward you that LOLcat I mentioned earlier?

FP: …

Me: Smell ya later!

Who's That Girl?

2007-09-26T11:52:00.000-04:00

I know I’m a little late to the party on this one, but I just got around to looking at Hot Chicks with Douchebags, and oh holy Jesus is it scary. Funny, but still scary. True enough, these dudes are total douchenozzles*. The Ab Lobster, the Joey Porsche Experience, Rooster Wank – all world-class, grade-A chodewheels*. But the only thing that keeps me from giving this site “Daily Reads” status is the women. They make me so, so sad, and also kind of angry, for all of womenkind. These are the kind of ladies who think that flashing your boobs gives you power on par with say, owning your own business or holding a congressional seat. I also imagine that in their bedrooms they have A LOT of photos of themselves and their friends holding drinks with the sides of their faces pressed together. What is that? I have friends who were in sororities in college and apparently they teach you that at pledge week.

So what is the correct pejorative to describe this girl, the girl who yammers on her cell phone while on the elliptical at the gym about what she ate for breakfast that day? The girl who starts raging passive-aggressive bitchfights with other girls with the statement: I love you, but… As in: “I love you, but...you’re an evil horse-face”? I mean, I want to support all women in this world, because god knows it’s hard enough without stabbing each other in the back, but won’t someone let her know that she’s ruining it for the rest of us? At the very least, can I just watch "Rock of Love" on the treadmill in peace?

*Credit: Annie A.
*Credit : Jessie S.

A Typical Sunday

2007-09-20T16:00:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, while walking home from brunch, we saw a large clump of Hasidic children milling around on a corner down the street from our building. As I’ve mentioned before, we live in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, which has one of the highest concentrations of Hasids in the country, so we often see families out and about. But a large pack of shouting, unruly boys – this is unusual. As we drew closer I could tell that they were unloading crates off of a truck. Crates of LIVE CHICKENS. Before I knew it there was a 10-year-old boy with sidecurls barreling toward me holding a squawking chicken by the wings. Behind me his mother yelled and he darted past.

All I could think was that those kids were in for one fucking fresh chicken.

It's Our Reunion

2007-09-07T11:37:00.000-04:00

My ten-year high school reunion is in a couple weeks, and though I have no plans to attend, I have thoroughly enjoyed the emails that I have been receiving through the ELHS Class of ’97 listserv (there’s also a website, featuring arcade games and a CNN news crawl(?)). The reunion was organized by our senior class president, a young man who went on to earn his bachelor’s degree in just nine years. Predictably, the whole thing is a clusterfuck. Here’s a sample email:

I have already purchased my flight to EL for this occasion. I am sure many others of you have as well. I am concerned because I have NO information on times/dates/venues, etc...

Um, yes. I booked a non-refundable, cross-country airline ticket based on one email from a dude who barked like a dog in my 8th grade French class. You’re seriously surprised that the plans are half-baked? Unlike our class prez, who was always fully baked. Zing!

Initially, the reason for my not going had more to do with the cost of air travel than a fear of reconnecting with the past. When the reunion website went up, I checked every day to see who posted new photos, eager to see who had been smacked around by the hands of time. Only it wasn’t all that satisfying, because it turns out that I had completely forgotten that half of my class ever existed. I recognized maybe 12 people. The same 12 people I was focused on impressing in high school.

I considered posting a photo of myself, but I don’t think I can take the rejection.

Mmm...Soft Focus

2007-08-23T11:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, so, this is the post where I wanted to dazzle you with photos of my spectacular pigs in blankets, but I pretty much rely on one friend to document my life for me (Do you have that friend? The one who you always think of when you’re going ready to go out, and contemplate lugging a camera because you always wish you had more pictures, but then you realize that your One Friend will be there and she always takes loads of photos? That’s Sarah.) and she hasn’t yet posted the images on Flickr. Anyway, suffice it to say that the blankets were fluffy and lovely, and my pastry-making confidence was further bolstered.

While searching for photos of my own food last night, I got to thinking about an observation that a friend of ours had made about the latest trends in food photography in general. He noted that older cookbooks tended to feature almost panoramic photos of elaborate tablescapes with a bunch of different crap all stacked up next to each other, often against a black background. But now, people seem to favor very tight shots with a crisp, central focal point and softness radiating outwards. I am such a sucker for that shit. I’m pretty sure that I could be convinced to eat a vacuum cleaner belt if you topped it with heirloom tomatoes and photographed it like that.

The Precious

2007-08-21T16:34:00.000-04:00

If I haven’t been posting as often recently (my sincere apologies to the three of you reading), it’s because I’m over blogging. My new obsession: puff pastry. As I may have already mentioned, my pies are the stuff legends are made of, but I’m hardly one to rest on my laurels. Puff pastry is a challenge that I knew I would eventually face, and I have been gathering strength for that day. I knew not what form it would take – turnovers? danish? croissant? – but I knew that the task would require a quick wit, great patience, and 2 pounds of unsalted butter.

Last week, in a vision, I saw the One Ring: pigs in blankets. In the past I have relied upon cocktail weenies in Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, but such parlor tricks are no longer adequate for the Queen Baker of Bed-Stuy. The blankets, they must be made from scratch! You cower in fear! You quake before the hundreds of delicate, buttery layers! Will you not take up your rolling pin and fight beside me?

The humid August air threatened to take from me all that I held most dear. My hands were swift, but could it contend with the moist air that threatened to descend upon the work surface. Again and again I cast the flour down, folding and rolling and folding again, until the stubborn pockets of butter blended seamlessly with the dough. The battle was over. My enemy retreated into the refrigerator to rest.

At daybreak my worst fears were realized: the dough was stiff. With my last ounces of strength I pounded it into submission until it lay before me in a docile sheet. As I cut it into strips and rolled the weenies, I knew that once I cast it into the fires of the oven the test would be complete. Only time would tell.

In tomorrow’s installment: will the weenies rise up in their blankets?

Most Likely To...

2007-08-14T11:54:00.000-04:00

Last week I got back in touch with an old friend from high school who recently moved to New York. I’m not really friendly with anyone else from back then, save the occasional email exchange, and for the most part I’ve been really okay with that. But when I heard from this particular friend, I got really excited. He was one of those people who seemed a little bigger than our school, like he had already figured out that how popular you were at 16 didn’t really mean shit in the long run, which is a pretty advanced concept for someone that age.

When we got together, I learned that 1) he was (duh) gay, and 2) I was unbelievably naïve as a teenager. Apparently, while I was at home picking out Indigo Girls songs on my six-string, fantasizing about a boy who never talked to me, my friends were trafficking illicit substances and engaging in polyamory. I mean, I knew the popular kids were drinking and having sex because they talked about it all the time, but I just assumed that my friends were as lame and confused as I was. Not so much. My innocence was so obvious that nobody had the heart to break it to me. Somehow I managed to miss the bongs rattling around with the Burger King cups in their back seats.

Now I live in New York City, one of the world capitols of all things seedy and perverse. I find it odd when I don’t see a tranny for a few days, and I can’t walk from my apartment to the subway without witnessing a drug deal (though I generally take pains to look away—I saw nothing!). When I meet someone new, I usually assume that 1) they are (duh) gay, and 2) they have a weed man. I’m sure that in many ways I’m just as innocent as ever, but I’d still probably give my high school self a heart attack.

Kinder Surprise, Or Not

2007-08-09T11:06:00.000-04:00

I was listening to the Brian Lehrer show on NPR the other day, and they were discussing taste and memory, i.e. why certain foods trigger specific feelings and memories. Some people called in to talk about the best slice of pizza they ever had, or how they couldn't stand raw tomatoes because they associated them with the day someone died or something. That got me thinking about how for the longest time I could not stand cornbread, and I know exactly why. My parents both worked, and for a couple summers they put me in this day care center called KinderCare. I HATED KinderCare. I don’t remember much about it now, except that it was run by a really large woman with frizzy hair (the horror!), and that every single day we had the same snack: grape juice and cornbread. Every day. For three months. For a good ten years I associated cornbread with fluorescent lights and broken toys. And that horrible minibus they used to drive us around in with the pictures of happy children on the side. I never saw those kids. I think they died of an amino acid deficiency.

Through repeated exposure I’ve finally gotten over it and learned to appreciate - even love - cornbread, but grape juice still makes me gag. Then again, does anyone love grape juice?

The Sunshine of My Life

2007-08-07T16:00:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, I made the mistake of exposing my skin to direct sunlight for more than fifteen minutes, and once again I was reminded of my genetic legacy of pallor. When I was a teenager, I spent many summer afternoons lying on our deck in my bathing suit with my body smeared in baby oil in the hopes of getting a tan like the popular girls. Except that there was just one problem: I can’t tan. It’s not like I turn pink and then tan, I just turn bright pink, then peel. The best case scenario is that I wind up with a few extra freckles. It took me an embarrassingly long time to finally accept this, and at least once every summer from age 13 to 18 I would subject myself to a near-paralyzing sunburn because I was sure that I over the winter I had developed the ability to produce melanin.

After years of voluntary exposure to damaging and potentially deadly UVA/UVB rays, by age 22 or so I finally got it through my fair skull that sunblock is my friend. Probably my best friend, even more so than corrective lenses and lip balm. Since then I never leave the house with less than SPF 15 on my face, even at night in the dead of winter. For a summer weekend of swimming and boating, I break out the heavy artillery: an SPF 30 formula that was determined by researchers at the Environmental Working Group to provide the best broad-spectrum protection. It feels like body armor, and after 40 minutes of floating in the lake followed by a vigorous toweling off, I was still greasy enough to leave a Kat-shaped stain on a deck chair.

By Sunday evening I felt bloated from overindulging in red meat and margaritas, but it seemed as though my sun protection efforts had paid off – no pinkness, no pain. I must’ve been sufficiently cautious, right? So why did I wake up on Monday morning with a disgusting, prickly red rash covering my forearm? It’s as though nature has to find some way to punish me for not wearing a caftan 24 hours a day. At least my freckles are still kind of cute, because between the grease and the rash, I can use all the extra charm I can get.

Cease and Desist, Dawgs

2007-08-02T11:14:00.000-04:00

According to Kanye West, "Only white people and older black people say 'bling' now." Mr. West brings up a good point: sometimes you just have to let things go. Here are a few other slang phrases that are way past their prime:

“You go, girl!” – My mom stopped saying this two years ago.
“Represent,” as in “East Lansing, Michigan represent!” – Just…no. See also: “In the house.”
Women saying “Don’t go there!” Followed by a cackle indicating her delight at her own sassiness. Note to That Girl: you are not truly sassy until you have backhanded a nail salon employee. Am I right, Foxy Brown?
“Get my swerve on” – Unless you actually can swerve, don’t let you mouth write that check.
“Where’s the love?” – A hint: it’s UP MY ASS.

Lights, Camera, Pants

2007-08-01T11:59:00.000-04:00

Working in Manhattan’s Greenwich Village, I pass through film shoots fairly regularly. As any New Yorker will tell you, nine out of ten times it’s Law and Order. But every so often, it’s a real Hollywood feature with real celebrities (apologies to Sam Waterston). The Will Smith vehicle “I Am Legend” took over Washington Square Park for a few weeks, no doubt disrupting business for the local – cough cough – entrepreneurs. Though Mr. Smith is a bona fide movie star, friend of Tom Cruise and TOTALLY NOT a Scientologist, I’m not much of a fan (my father is incredulous at this, since he cannot get through the trailer of “The Pursuit of Happyness” without being moved to tears). I agree that he’s a good actor, and Lord knows I loved the Fresh Prince when I was a kid, but it still bothers me that sold out his talent in favor of action roles for which he could record a middle school dance-friendly pop hit. And what the hell did he do with Jazz? By the way, have you listened to the lyrics of “Parents Just Don’t Understand” lately? I find myself agreeing with his mother more and more every time I hear that song, and that’s just depressing. God, I’m old.

Anyway, “I Am Legend” is now in post-production, leaving the Square free for a more exciting project: “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Forever in Blue”! Little America “Healthy Body Image” Ferrera! Little Rory Gilmore who can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag! OMGPON1ES!!1!* (Apparently there are two other girls to whom the pants also travel, and I am just going to have to apologize to them right now, because couldn’t pick them out of a lineup and I will probably cut them off in line at the deli. I’m sure they’re very talented, though.) Keep it here for more updates on the Pants and their Travels…or maybe just some more posts about my neighborhood and pies and stuff. KBYE!

*Source: Slashdot, via Cute Overload

Baked

2007-07-30T12:14:00.001-04:00

I started getting into bread baking a couple years ago when I realized that there is NOTHING better than bread. Except maybe…no, nothing. Sometimes my results are great, sometimes my loaves something closer to a giant hockey puck, but the more I practice, the more consistently decent they become. In the summertime, though, my appetite for bread ebbs somewhat and I start to look for something new. A few weeks ago I made a sour cherry pie that was, I gotta say, a-mazing. Like, change-your-life good. And it wasn’t just me; other people’s lives were changed as well. The crust was tender and flaky, the filling was sweet and tart, and it was all made from scratch. It was so good, I wanted to build a summer house in that pie and live there until Labor Day.

My friends heaped on the compliments, and I loved every minute of it. “I can’t believe you can bake!” “This might be better than my mom’s!” Then down came the hatchet: “You’re so domestic!”

I almost choked. There is probably nothing more terrifying that you can say to an urban professional woman of my age, especially one who has recently moved in with her boyfriend and is very, very touchy about falling into traditional gender roles. We are non-traditional in many ways, aside from the whole living-in-sin thing; KBF (Kat’s Boyfriend) does not particularly follow sports and he reads fiction. We are equal wage earners. I can be a bit of a hothead, and a certain futon delivery man might suggest that I have a ways to go in the patience department. He might also point out that my language is not very ladylike.

But God help me, I love to bake. Does this mean I can’t be a feminist? Or do I now have to subscribe to third wave, Sex and the City-inspired, The-Pussycat-Dolls-Are-Empowering brand of feminism? This is stressing me out - I’m gonna make some cookies.

We'll Never Know

2007-07-26T11:56:00.000-04:00

The other night, as we were finishing a delicious pasta dinner, my boyfriend looked up from his plate and said, “Whoa!”

“What, what is it?” I said, grabbing the table and scanning the floor for cockroaches.

“Across the street.” He said, pointing out the window. I turned around and saw no fewer than twenty Hasidic men standing on the sidewalk across from our building, all gazing upwards a fixed point that seemed to be located just over our roof.

I should point out that our neighborhood, along with South Williamsburg, is home to one of the largest Hasidic communities (Chabad-Lubavitch, to be exact) in the United States. We live next door to a synagogue and across the street from a kosher bakery. Seeing roving groups of bearded men in long black coats and black fedoras is nothing new for us. But we are gentiles, so a few of their customs are a bit unfamiliar, and anyway, what in the hell were these guys all looking at? The longer we looked on from our fourth-floor window, the more black hats we saw running out of the synagogue to join the crowd across the street. There were a few young boys in their white shirts and yarmulkes, but no women.

My boyfriend suggested that we go up to the roof, and by the time we did, a fire truck was coming down the street. Things were finally getting exciting.

“Oh look, it's…"

"Driving right past.” No fire, apparently.

“It’s almost like they’re looking at the moon.”

“I don’t think they’re into that kind of thing.”

Moments later, a group of seven or so men took off down Bedford Avenue at a brisk walk and were soon out of sight. The rest milled around for thirty seconds or so before walking off in different directions at a similar pace.

“Man, I kind of wish I’d gone down there and asked.”

“We have got to learn Yiddish.”

Road to Recovery

2007-07-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

It could easily be argued that there’s nothing left to say about Lindsay Lohan. But that argument is wrong. There will never be enough said about her, until something else shiny or borderline tragic passes before my eyes and I forget about her completely. But for now, as much as I try to fight it (or not), I am obsessed. And it scares me. So as of today, I am entering Lindsay Rehab. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to quit reading TMZ and watching VH1 clip shows entirely – that would be like asking an alcoholic to give up cigarettes and coffee – but it’s time to set some boundaries. Here are my twelve steps:

Admit that I am powerless over Lindsay. And Sweet Jesus, I am.
Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. I think it may be Victoria Beckham.
Turn my life over to the care of Posh, purchase steel-enforced corset.
Make a searching, fearless moral inventory: Delete mp3 of LiLo’s 2004 “hit” “Rumors” from my hard drive, purge closet of leggings.
Admit the exact nature of my wrongs: subjecting friends and loved ones to extended monologues, wherein I dissected the various missteps of Lindsay’s career, declared my desire for her to Get Out of My Face, then talked about that crazy interview with her in Elle magazine last year for another twenty minutes
Allow God/Posh remove these defects of my character. Also: 15 pounds.
Humbly ask God/Posh to forgive my shortcomings…until I can get to Mystic Tan, anyway.
Make a list of all the people I’ve harmed with my addiction. First and foremost: my own hair. I never should have grown you out to look like LiLo in Bobby. I never even saw that movie.
Make amends. Um, am I crazy, or does Lindsay owe me an apology? A text message would be adequite (did I use that right?).
Continue w/ personal inventory. Really delete “Rumors” from hard drive, not just from iTunes.
Improve conscious contact with God/Posh. Reread The Extra Half Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between, pout.
Carry this message to others: If you see Lindsay, tell her I’m still waiting for my apology.

Be It Ever So Humble

2007-07-19T11:55:00.000-04:00

I feel as though I’ve been taking a lot of jabs at my new apartment lately, and it’s not entirely fair. Like many people my age, I’ve lived in a lot of rentals since I left my parents’ house at age 17, and I can honestly say that this is the first one that I can actually see myself occupying for a long time. My first apartment was a furnished two-bedroom in Ann Arbor that was adjacent to a lumberyard and boasted views of the University of Michigan stadium, a.k.a. “The Big House.” Some Saturdays my roommate and I would sell our football tickets to scalpers and try to make out the scoreboard from the kitchen window. The remaining days of the week, the marching band would practice at a nearby field, so we always knew ahead of time that the halftime show would feature a medley of songs from feature films, such as “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and “My Heart Will Go On” from Titanic. This number was particularly memorable for several reasons, but most of the time the tuba was just the soundtrack to our days and I never really noticed it much.

After college, there was a brief stint in Hoboken, New Jersey, which I typically omit when telling Crazy Apartment stories with other New Yorkers. It’s not that I’ve become that provincial – I actually really like New Jersey (Tenafly, holla!) – but for me, Hoboken was like an entire town made up of fraternity row. And every bar was the basement at the Beta House. So many ribbed cotton sweaters. So many shiny black shoes with buckles. So. Much. Tanning. And the puka shell necklackes! I think I have PTSD from the puka shell necklaces. I don’t care if you are a native Hawaiian and speak fluent Samoan; they will forever scream “date rapist” to me.

Fortunately, my roommate at the time had made plans to move in with her boyfriend, leaving me free and clear to escape to Brooklyn. (I still feel a bit guilty about that, since he was a complete tool and it was obvious that they were going to break up before our lease ran out, but c’mon, I was being supportive. She was secretly dying to live in Manhattan anyway, boyfriend or no. Don’t look at me like that.) Three apartments and five years later, I finally have on-site laundry, an elevator, and adequate storage place. Like most New York renters my age I am a bit of a real-estate whore, but I know when I have a good thing.

Summer Daze

2007-07-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

It’s summer in New York, and I’m officially over it. All spring I counted the days until Memorial Day weekend, but once that’s over and the next three-day weekend is months away, what have you really got? If you’re me, you’ve got sweat-coated, seemingly endless waits on a stifling subway platform and a neighborhood that smells like sour milk. As if it isn’t bad enough that it already smells like poop and stale beer virtually every day of the year. Don’t get me wrong: I love where I live. It’s just, when you’re walking down the street and you step a track from someone’s weave TWICE IN ONE DAY, it’s pretty safe to say that you’re not in the Hamptons.

And really, that’s what most people think New Yorkers do on summer weekends, right? (Go to the Hamptons, not step on pieces of hair, I mean). Even I have outdated fantasies of sleepy little beach towns with sun-bleached crab shacks and bait ‘n’ tackle shops, but from what I’ve been told it’s just like the Meatpacking District, only with Burberry bikinis. Even if you are a part of the junior hedgefunder set, you’d still be crammed into a house with 32 other people, most of who are probably boffing each other. But what do I know about such things? My idea of a great summer night includes a cold bottle of $5.99 champers and my 12,000 BTU air conditioner. And God help me if that ever changes.

I wish I had a beach house. I wish I had a pontoon boat and a wind chime and a hammock tied to two trees in the yard. While I’m at it, I also wish I had the ability to tan. But for now I guess I’ll just head down to Warehouse Wines and Liquors and start planning another summer weekend.

Lofty Aspirations

2007-06-19T10:32:00.000-04:00

Last month, I packed up my ramshackle studio apartment in Brooklyn Heights and moved just a few miles east to Bedford-Stuyvesant in pursuit of more space and cheaper rent. Despite having recently been named New York City’s dirtiest neighborhood, my boyfriend and I have had a great time exploring and speculating about the comings and goings of our local Hasidic population.

In truth, the real environmental disaster is occurring inside the apartment. We were lucky enough to land a loft space and I was lucky enough to land a boyfriend who is handy with a nail gun, so we both had visions of an airy, totally customized – and organized! – paradise. But the thing is, you know how difficult it is get haul your ass to the Laundromat after work, or have something for dinner besides handfuls of Corn Chex ? Well, it turns out that hauling sheetrock and two-by-fours around the apartment isn’t anything to look forward to, either. So as it stands, the art studio is for sawdust storage, my office is the miscellaneous hardware depository, and the kitchen doubles as a cardboard box fort/break dancing floor. But that’s loft living for you: work, play, sleep, and tetanus all under one roof.

Hi, My Name Is ______

2007-06-04T11:50:00.000-04:00

One of the best parts of my job is having sole possession of a label maker. Not the kind with the plastic wheel and the lever in the handle, but a little ticker-tape device that looks like a first-generation Blackberry. This morning I took it upon myself to label the office supplies: staples, staple removers, tacks—careful! I’ve never identified, nor have I been identified, as a neat freak, but there’s something incredibly soothing about labeling. It removes all the guesswork, saves a lot of time, and keeps you from plunging your hand into a drawer full of tacks.

I guess it’s the same part of me that really, really enjoys the little aliases they give reality show participants when they’re doing their interviews, like “Candace: Pageant Queen” or “Nate: Lead Singer of a Star Wars Tribute Band” or “Ted: Has Webbed Toes.” It saves me from having to think too much, which is all I really want from a show like “Beauty and the Geek 3,” and life in general, actually.

Maybe some day I’ll take the label maker home with me, and start labeling everything as I go. If all goes well, there will be labels in the hair care aisle at every Duane Reade in New York: “That Shampoo You Liked at That Hotel in Baltimore” and on the guest of every party I attend: “Works at InStyle magazine - Do Not Make Fun of Scientology.” With any luck, I’d never have to think again.

Best Day Ever

2006-11-08T23:39:00.000-05:00

1. The democratic process actually worked

2. A dear friend finally returned from Crazyland

3. We have officially diverted from the course

4. I saw a little dog wearing little shoes. Ain't that somethin'?

Roll Out

2006-11-03T12:18:00.000-05:00

Have you ever tried to make rolls? Like, other than the kind that comes in a cardboard tube? I mean, I thought popping the tube was hard, but that was until I tried making them from scratch. See, it turns out that making rolls isn't just like making teeny bread loaves. It involves extra stretching, steaming and, you guessed it, rolling. In my case, it also involves shattering glass.

As I mentioned yesterday, instead of going home this Thanksgiving, my boyfriend and I are putting together a little urbanite meal. I've never really been a great cook, and I'm definitely not one of those people who can just whip up a savory meal out of whatever's left in the fridge, because what's usually left in my fridge is mustard and expired yogurt. What I am really good at is following rules, so I figured I would be perfectly suited for baking. I bought a some flour, yeast, and Nick Malgieri's book, How to Bake, and a couple of rustic loaves later I was feeling pretty confident. Buy rolls for Thanksgiving? Not necessary.

In keeping with my Virgo tendencies, I decided to execute a few practice runs for the big day. According to the recipe, before baking the risen rolls, you're supposed to heat up a pan in the oven and pour in a cup of water to create steam -- I guess this is to make sure the rolls don't have any gunk in their pores. I set my pan on the lowest rack, closed the door, and returned to my recipe book study the remaining steps. A few minutes later I returned to the oven with a cup of water, and per Malgieri's directions, turned my face away as I began to pour. In the next instant there was an enormous crash, and as the cloud of steam cleared I saw my lasagna pan shattered into hundreds of red-hot shards. Riiiight. That whole hot glass/cold water/shattering thing.

My next batch turned out markedly better, if only because they were hot shard-free. The only problem was, had I thrown one at a window, I could have recreated the shattering effect once again. But at least the pieces wouldn't be so hot this time.

Go Team

2006-11-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

This year, for the first time in my entire life, I will not be going home for Thanksgiving. As a teenager I always fantasized that one day I would move to the Big City and have a little urban Thanksgiving with all of my hip friends, and it would be like, well, Friends. My parents took it quite well, but they were nonetheless thrilled when I announced that I would visit for a weekend a bit earlier in the fall.

My visit also happened to coincide with one of Michigan State University's home games, so that Saturday morning my father and I bundled up in green caps and ponchos and headed to the stadium. Now, I haven't been to a college football game in over five years, and for someone who spent her formative years in a Big Ten town, then attended another Big Ten University, that's a lifetime. As soon as I heard the band, it all came rushing back: tailgating, the little roly-poly male cheerleader who could never quite time his backflips right, the time the marching band played "My Heart Will Go On" while marching in the shape of a ship and the flute section *broke off and sank*-- there is no better Saturday than that.

I once tried to relate the thrill to my boyfriend, but he claims that he will forever associate football with getting his ass kicked in elementary school. Apparently he never smuggled a screwdriver into the stadium--what a lousy sport.

Note to Self:

2006-10-23T15:21:00.000-04:00

If one day you wake up to find that you have become a 29-year-old man with nerdy taste in clothes who wishes to get dates with nubile college girls, never, ever, allow yourself to be seen printing out profiles from Nerve.com at NYU's computer lab.

PS to self: Definitely DO NOT make notes on said printed-out proviles and file them away in a special folder. College girls can see you doing that, too.

Chow Down

2006-06-28T14:20:00.000-04:00

My parents had the good fortune of retiring at the relatively young age of 55, so every now and then I'll ask them what they're doing with all this time on their hands. Today I received an email from my mom with the subject line: "Jean and Sharon Meet Cat Chow." I wasn't really sure what to make of that -- I didn't think Mom ran with any drag queens.

It turns out that Cat Chow is a woman who makes clothes and such out of non-traditional materials, like a dress made entirely out of one long zipper, and she's coming to my hometown to teach a workshop to craft-inclined but slightly counter-culture Midwestern ladies. Flash forward to Christmas, when I am presented with a poncho made out of piston rings.

The moral of the story: retirement is awesome. Don't let them fool you.